I'd be lying if I said that the transition from being cheerfully childless to motherhood has been a smooth one. My life is so radically different that is almost as if I woke up in an alternate universe.
I really loved the life I had before. I loved being able to pick up and go somewhere on a moment's notice. Loved the freedom to take a course or sit and write or stay up all night hanging out with friends. I had a few lovers, each unique and wonderful, each aware of each other and my love of them all. Even with death and dying in my family, such heavy subjects, I felt a lightness of being. I felt free from all the constraints I'd placed on myself over the years. I'd finally grown up and become fully me. And then my female best friend goaded me into recognizing that I'd fallen in love with M and accepting his invitation to move in with him. He supported me after my grandfather's death. We traveled. I supported him through a grueling start-up. We bought a house. And then I got pregnant out of the blue.
Yes, I miss my old life. I'm giving myself permission to miss it, and to come to terms with the changes and the challenges.
The loss of my independence has been the most difficult to adapt to. It would probably be easier if M and I had family closer by, or if I had more friends in the area, because I could call on them to spot me for things like doctor appointments or haircuts or shopping. As it is, I have to pack the Little Man up and bring him everywhere I go. It can be an ordeal even if it's just to go weed outside. I find it damned inconvenient that I can't just climb up onto a ladder to clear the gutters or empty the dishwasher or take a shower without having to make some sort of provision for my son, especially now that he is crawling around and has figured out how to open cabinets and drawers. And really, there's nothing relaxing about showering listening to a baby howl with displeasure because he's trapped in a walker or a bouncer or otherwise restricted in movement. At best, I get to shower every other day. Any longer than that and the smell of baby puke and sour milk and my own body gets to me.
I miss being able to focus on myself. Before I got pregnant, I was determined to get down to a normal weight range and I made good progress. In having a baby at my age I made a further commitment to being healthy and fit. I'm down 100 pounds in the past 2.5 years. I really want to drop another 30 pounds but I've hit a plateau and my visits to the gym are too infrequent. I try working out at home but the Little Man either wants to participate or wander off. It's rather difficult to monitor him while tying to make sure I don't pull a muscle or otherwise injure myself due to inattentiveness. My doctor says I've done amazingly well and I should focus on maintenance more than further weight loss. He says he's concerned that my focus on dropping more weight will become sabotaging if I get too discouraged. Meanwhile, I'm fighting this near-constant "I'm hungry" feeling that the doc says to feed with warm water. I'm almost chronically under-hydrated since I started breast-feeding, and even after my milk dried up I still struggle to drink enough water -- I'm just too busy playing mommy.
The changes that pregnancy and childbirth have wrought on my body have mostly been awful. My body still doesn't feel like it belongs to me. I often find myself walking funny because there is a cramp in my pelvic area, usually the hip-flexor muscle, I think. My ass aches when I get up after sitting for a while. My lower abdominal muscles, while never particularly strong, seem to resist my efforts to tone them up--from the waist down I feel gelatinous. I'm ok with the changes to my breasts and nipples. I actually like them more, with the weightloss and the changes from pregnancy and lactation -- they are less lumpy than they used to be, and I'm fortunate that I didn't experience mastitis or thrush. The acid reflux and the intestinal spasms have been agonizing. Since I'm not lactating anymore I switched from Tagamet to Prilosec and it's made a world of difference. Now there is occasional discomfort rather than a constant mid-level discomfort that ramped up to must-go-vomit-stomach-acid-now a few times a week, often a few times a day.
But before I sound too much like some whiny, ungrateful, unfit mother, I should say that I love my new life, too. I love the home I've made for the three of us. I'm happy here, even if I do miss my friends. I've got my patch of dirt to dig in and grow things. I am grateful that M's brilliant mind, which is what initially attracted me to him, is also attractive to so many companies here in Silicon Valley. He makes a good living and we try to live modestly on his income so we can still put money aside. Yes, I'm itching to take some courses and get myself marketable again so I can feel less dependent, but that will have to wait another year or so. I really enjoy his company and he enjoys mine. We talk to each other often, we snuggle when the baby's needs allow, and we both agree that having a baby together has made our bond deeper.
And our son! Wow, what an amazing little guy. Yes, he's teething right now and I really want to run screaming from the house after his nth meltdown, but he's got this wonderful smile and even when he's crying he tries to smile for me sometimes. He's developing so fast and he's becoming his own little person and even as I struggle not to create habits in him I'll regret later, I can't help but scoop him up and love on him. He has so much joy in him and I'm loving experiencing the world from his perspective. I'm experiencing an aspect of life that I'd never thought I would (parenthood) and while it's definitely a mixed bag, I've no regrets. I'm trying to be mindful of what I feed him, trying to keep his chemical-load to a minimum. I'm thinking about what stories I read him and what television programs he sees so I'm aware of what social and cultural norms are being passed on to him. I'm trying to create a safe space for him to grow into the person he wants to be --whatever that looks like. And seeing what a fine job some of my friends have done with their own children, I've got some good role-models and sources of of moral support.
Showing posts with label child development. Show all posts
Showing posts with label child development. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 3, 2013
Wednesday, February 13, 2013
Eudaimonia -- Well-being and The Good Life
I am the first to admit that I have a good life. A beautiful home, a generous and loving partner who is an excellent breadwinner, and a healthy, adorable baby boy. I'm lucky and I know it. Some days, as I'm doing the mundane household chores or consoling a teething baby, I am visited with a sense of the surreal. Never, in a thousand imaginings of how I wanted my life to be, would I have imagined myself being Susie Homemaker balancing a baby on my hip as I see my man off to work.
Sure, I enjoyed the kept-woman period and did my best to enjoy being freed from a 9-to-5 job even as part of me resented being dependent and without enough income to support myself. My partner assisted me in growing my internet storefront business as best he could during the economic crash, and he was incredibly supportive as my family went through one health crisis after another. But finding out I was pregnant, well, that was a huge life-changer. And now, as the Little Man reaches the 8 month mark, as my body still recovers from the effects of pregnancy and childbirth, the reality of my life as an unintentional mother is both incredibly real, and incredibly surreal.
Little Man's milestone last month was cutting two teeth. This month, it seems to be locomotion. He started off with the military-style forearms and toes crawl at the beginning of the month and this week he's crawling on his hands and knees. And really getting around. I went to brush my teeth and freaked out when he wasn't anywhere near where I left him. He's also figured out how to pull himself up to a standing position. The first two days he fell over whenever I wasn't watching him like a hawk, but today he's stable on those sturdy little legs. He's falling on his face when his arms give out, but the thunks on the hardwood floor aren't quite as alarmingly loud. I'm kissing and rubbing boo-boos, mostly on his head. It's time to take the next step of child-proofing the plugs and adding baby-gates.
The benefit to all his physical exertion is he's finally napping for about an hour twice a day. The drawback is he's gotten very clingy -- perhaps from the pain / discomfort and the scariness of falling. He often cries when I put him down, so I basically wear the baby carrier 16 hours a day and carry him around in it until he pushes at me to let me know he wants out. If I put him down and move too far away, he starts to cry. Finding time for bio-breaks has become a challenge.
Solid foods are hit and miss. There are days when he won't eat cereal or pureed foods at all. Since my milk dried up he's been on formula, so his poops are really stinky, but less frequent. I worry that he's not getting enough calories, but whenever I pick him up he feels very solid. He's not a chubby baby by any stretch of the imagination, but neither is he a skinny one.
It seems like I'm never alone anymore. I am a person who enjoys my solitude. I think that has been the most difficult adjustment. I'm starting back to the gym, though, and my neighbor is coming over twice a week in the morning to give me a chance to workout, so Little Man is going to learn to adjust to not having me around all the time. I hope.
The acid reflux still gets away from me about once a week. I'm managing it with eating a boring diet and medication. I've also had a half-dozen spastic colon episodes. Very painful. Like labor pains. I'm trying to reduce the amount of time Little Man spends on my chest and belly, since his 20-plus pounds pressing into my body seems to aggravate things. I've had the x-rays and CT scan, the upper GI imaging, and over 30 different blood tests and aside from exceptionally large ovaries (courtesy of PCOS) there is nothing unusual. I'm in excellent health, though borderline anemic. I had eliminated all supplements when I noticed that pills weren't resting well on my acidic stomach, but now that it seems to be (mostly) under control, I'm taking them a few times a week. It's not perfect, but it's better than nothing.
At present I'm 75# lighter than I was the day I delivered Little Man. I'd like to drop another 30 this year. We'll see. I think I can manage 3 pounds a month. I'm wearing large women's tops and extra-large bottoms. Right now my excess weight is all below the belly button, courtesy of 10 years of sitting at a desk. I'm looking forward to focusing on my abdomen and thighs at the gym and getting my upper and lower body in better proportion to each other. Given that my mother and sister both were mermaid-shaped, I'm thinking I'm probably going to be bigger on the bottom no matter what I do, but my doc thinks the softness of the muscles in my lower abdomen has something to do with the spastic colon problem, so it's important to get that area of my body back in tone.
Through it all, M has been wonderfully supportive. He knows this isn't the life I'd imagined for myself, and he checks in with me a couple of times a month to make sure I'm doing ok. Believe it or not, the life I was building toward was living in a small house on the coast or in the mountains, alone, with lots of books and paper and time to meditate and garden. I'd imagined my various friends and partners visiting me, but never staying for long. For all my capacity to be a social person, I'm a hermit at heart. He's such an introvert that he considers me an extrovert. Heh.
It's all good though. I'm happy and pretty much healthy. The baby is happy and healthy. So is M. There are things I want to do, and they'll wait. Right now, it's important to be there for the Little Man.
End surreality check :)
Thursday, January 31, 2013
Nearly 8 months old!
Wow, where did January go?
We got back from Canada and the Little Man had a cold for a couple more weeks. I was just getting ready to tell the doc he had been sick for 7 weeks when he suddenly stopped coughing and sneezing. No more suctioning and irrigating sinuses, no more need for benedryl in his bottle.
Middle of the month he decided to cut two bottom teeth at the same time, and after a week of dealing with a crankety baby, I was ready to run away from home. Or perhaps it was the disarray of the house after a week of being too tired to clean up that had me ready to run screaming from the building. Either way, M took a work-at-home day when I reached the end of my rope and I got to sleep. Sleep. It's amazing how much the lack of it impacts. Like, oh, everything.
I've started meeting with a mother's group here in town. I feel like less of a shut-in now, and it is good to hear other women's experiences with infants. Being able to speak candidly about breastfeeding and milk dying up, lack of sleep, and the ordeal of teething making me want to run away from home is nice. They don't squirm like M does when I get too... graphic... for him.
Little Man is doing the military-style crawl around and over things these days. He's only taken one tumble off the bed (once was enough) so far. He's still a sweet, smiling little guy. And boy does he love his daddy. He just lights up and his whole body trembles with joy when he sees his father first thing in the morning, or when he comes home at night. He's starting to 'talk' more, and I can hear him trying to sing along to the melody of the music I play for him. It's hard to believe he'll reach the 8 month mark soon.
I start back to the gym in February. It's been nearly a year since I was there last. I need to work on my abdominal muscles south of the belly button. I've got six-pack abs above, since carrying a baby around really works my core, but my lower abdomen is still too loose after being stretched out by the baby. And I'm going to drop 27# more pounds this year. Hopefully more, but 27# is my minimum goal. I figure after dropping 70# last year, this should be achievable. I'm hoping Little Man will be good for the sitter. He's just not used to being apart from me for more than an hour. Fortunately, he knows her, and she'll be here at the house in the mornings, so if she can't console him, she can resort to waking M up -- if a fussing baby doesn't wake him already. We'll see how it goes.
We got back from Canada and the Little Man had a cold for a couple more weeks. I was just getting ready to tell the doc he had been sick for 7 weeks when he suddenly stopped coughing and sneezing. No more suctioning and irrigating sinuses, no more need for benedryl in his bottle.
Middle of the month he decided to cut two bottom teeth at the same time, and after a week of dealing with a crankety baby, I was ready to run away from home. Or perhaps it was the disarray of the house after a week of being too tired to clean up that had me ready to run screaming from the building. Either way, M took a work-at-home day when I reached the end of my rope and I got to sleep. Sleep. It's amazing how much the lack of it impacts. Like, oh, everything.
I've started meeting with a mother's group here in town. I feel like less of a shut-in now, and it is good to hear other women's experiences with infants. Being able to speak candidly about breastfeeding and milk dying up, lack of sleep, and the ordeal of teething making me want to run away from home is nice. They don't squirm like M does when I get too... graphic... for him.
Little Man is doing the military-style crawl around and over things these days. He's only taken one tumble off the bed (once was enough) so far. He's still a sweet, smiling little guy. And boy does he love his daddy. He just lights up and his whole body trembles with joy when he sees his father first thing in the morning, or when he comes home at night. He's starting to 'talk' more, and I can hear him trying to sing along to the melody of the music I play for him. It's hard to believe he'll reach the 8 month mark soon.
I start back to the gym in February. It's been nearly a year since I was there last. I need to work on my abdominal muscles south of the belly button. I've got six-pack abs above, since carrying a baby around really works my core, but my lower abdomen is still too loose after being stretched out by the baby. And I'm going to drop 27# more pounds this year. Hopefully more, but 27# is my minimum goal. I figure after dropping 70# last year, this should be achievable. I'm hoping Little Man will be good for the sitter. He's just not used to being apart from me for more than an hour. Fortunately, he knows her, and she'll be here at the house in the mornings, so if she can't console him, she can resort to waking M up -- if a fussing baby doesn't wake him already. We'll see how it goes.
Sunday, January 6, 2013
Holiday travels, losing weight, and my sweet baby boy
A month has passed since my last post. It's been a busy month.
Little Man and I came back from Puerto Vallarta with colds, but by the 20th of December it looked like we'd kicked them. Then the cold virus caught a second wind and we were both feeling lousy again, just in time for the trip to Canada.
It was below zero on both the C and the F temperature scales in Winnipeg. I wore Little Man in the Baby Bjorn most of the time, with my coat pulled around us both. He stayed warm, though his poor face got chafed from rubbing against my sweaters. Most of the fabrics I wear are soft and light so they don't bother his skin, but fabrics I can wear year-round in California can only be worn there in the summertime.
The change in climate really created sinus issues for the Little Man -- saline drops weren't working to clear him up so I ended up giving him benedryl so he could drink his milk. To make things even more interesting, my breastmilk dried up shortly after we got back from Mexico, so the poor little guy was on formula. Stinky coming out, formula is.
The visit with M's family was great. Little Man is blessed with an easy disposition so he didn't seem to mind being passed around between the 20+ people at the gathering on Christmas Day. He just needed to spend a few minutes with me every hour to re-charge and he was good. His great-grandmothers were over-joyed to see him. I'm a bit of a sap and cried when they held him.
We were inundated with gifts for the Little Man. Fortunately, we had a second suitcase that was lightly packed so we could bring most of it back with us. Lots of toys and cute little outfits. We were there a week and nearly every day we were off somewhere doing something -- Boxing Day at the Mall, seeing The Hobbit, dinner with Cousins, making sure M's mother got her fair share of time with her grandchild, etc. The nice thing about all the spare adults around was that I got some baby-free time and much-needed naps. Best of all, M's father is even better with the Little Man than he is, so I felt comfortable leaving the baby with him for a couple of hours while M showed me some of his old stomping grounds and tourist sights. I told him he was very fortunate to have grown up in a population center rather than in some small town on the Plains. The capitol of Manitoba had the financial resources to fund the education of a child prodigy, and he had access to universities and college-educated people in far larger numbers than he otherwise would have.
Thankfully, the trip home was a lot less eventful than the leg to Canada was. No cancelled / redirected flights that meant hours waiting for standby and then traveling a day later -- no, just a plane that wouldn't start because it was too cold outside. We left Winnipeg an hour late and had to run to catch our connecting flight in Denver: 40 gates wearing a baby and two shoulder bags! M waited to get the baby seat and the rollaway bag. Fortunately, the airline held the flight for 15 minutes so that we and 40 other people wouldn't be stranded. Little Man was an angel on the flights. Once again he charmed everyone around us, and he fussed very little.
It was nice to get home. My old friend Dato and his partner took advantage of the house-sitting offer which got them away from the rain and cold along the Oregon coast. It was mostly sunny and dry here, so they got to spend a couple of days exploring San Francisco. The weather in SF is always better in winter than in summer. Funny how that works :)
Now that we're home, I want to start working on getting my milk production going again, but before we do that, I need to tackle the intra-abdominal pressure that is giving me both acid reflux and constipation. It really sucks that I'd never had a problem with either until Little Man was born and now the problems are big enough to affect how I sleep, how I eat, and what medications and supplements I take. I'm pretty anemic these days, but I can't take iron or even just a multi-vitamin with iron because it really binds me up and even stool softeners and milk of magnesia can take 3 days to produce a bowel movement. I saw the doctor and we're trying a week of really upping the fiber in my diet to see if that produces desired changes, otherwise, it is on to scanning or scoping. I've a feeling something is going on in my colon -- literally -- whenever I bend over I can feel something move inside me, like the kick of a baby or the snick of a ligament being pulled and then settling back into place.
That, and I've dropped nearly 15# since Thanksgiving, without trying, and much of that time with reduced or no breastmilk production. Call me silly, but I think the milk drying up is a sign something is going on.
With regards to weightloss, I've been really good about watching my portion sizes. I ate my fair share of Christmas treats -- but not too many. A sweet-tooth was never my problem, nor was junk-food. No, I was a gourmand with portion-control issues and a serious hormonal imbalance. Lovely enough, having Little Man seems to have balanced out a lot of the hormonal weirdness of PCOS, which has made losing weight the past 7 months much easier than the prior few years. So I'm down 70# from my pre-pregnancy weight. My goal is to drop another 30# in 2013. That should put me solidly in the size 12 to 14 range and my BMI in the 20s, where it belongs, and down 160# from my highest weight in 2007. After that, it's all maintenance. I've three very good reasons to keep my weight down and be healthy and fit: me, Little Man, and M. I want to be around to see Little Man grow up and help M raise him, and given that I'll be 45 in a couple of months, its important that I take my health very seriously. I'm not 30 anymore :)
Once Little Man is over his cold I'm going to get us both on a sleep-play-feeding schedule. He's dabbling with solid foods, but I'd like to get him eating more. He's not crawling yet, but he does wriggle himself around pretty well on his belly. He's getting close to cutting a bottom tooth, I think, and he's chewing on everything he can get his hands on. He's passing things from hand-to-hand now. He knows his name. He's babbling more, and he's getting good at vocalizing when he's unhappy (grumbling) as well as laughing and cooing when he's happy. He's a fun, sweet baby, and most days I feel incredibly blessed.
2012 was an amazing year for me. Lots of changes. I've got high hopes for 2013.
Little Man and I came back from Puerto Vallarta with colds, but by the 20th of December it looked like we'd kicked them. Then the cold virus caught a second wind and we were both feeling lousy again, just in time for the trip to Canada.
It was below zero on both the C and the F temperature scales in Winnipeg. I wore Little Man in the Baby Bjorn most of the time, with my coat pulled around us both. He stayed warm, though his poor face got chafed from rubbing against my sweaters. Most of the fabrics I wear are soft and light so they don't bother his skin, but fabrics I can wear year-round in California can only be worn there in the summertime.
The change in climate really created sinus issues for the Little Man -- saline drops weren't working to clear him up so I ended up giving him benedryl so he could drink his milk. To make things even more interesting, my breastmilk dried up shortly after we got back from Mexico, so the poor little guy was on formula. Stinky coming out, formula is.
The visit with M's family was great. Little Man is blessed with an easy disposition so he didn't seem to mind being passed around between the 20+ people at the gathering on Christmas Day. He just needed to spend a few minutes with me every hour to re-charge and he was good. His great-grandmothers were over-joyed to see him. I'm a bit of a sap and cried when they held him.
We were inundated with gifts for the Little Man. Fortunately, we had a second suitcase that was lightly packed so we could bring most of it back with us. Lots of toys and cute little outfits. We were there a week and nearly every day we were off somewhere doing something -- Boxing Day at the Mall, seeing The Hobbit, dinner with Cousins, making sure M's mother got her fair share of time with her grandchild, etc. The nice thing about all the spare adults around was that I got some baby-free time and much-needed naps. Best of all, M's father is even better with the Little Man than he is, so I felt comfortable leaving the baby with him for a couple of hours while M showed me some of his old stomping grounds and tourist sights. I told him he was very fortunate to have grown up in a population center rather than in some small town on the Plains. The capitol of Manitoba had the financial resources to fund the education of a child prodigy, and he had access to universities and college-educated people in far larger numbers than he otherwise would have.
Thankfully, the trip home was a lot less eventful than the leg to Canada was. No cancelled / redirected flights that meant hours waiting for standby and then traveling a day later -- no, just a plane that wouldn't start because it was too cold outside. We left Winnipeg an hour late and had to run to catch our connecting flight in Denver: 40 gates wearing a baby and two shoulder bags! M waited to get the baby seat and the rollaway bag. Fortunately, the airline held the flight for 15 minutes so that we and 40 other people wouldn't be stranded. Little Man was an angel on the flights. Once again he charmed everyone around us, and he fussed very little.
It was nice to get home. My old friend Dato and his partner took advantage of the house-sitting offer which got them away from the rain and cold along the Oregon coast. It was mostly sunny and dry here, so they got to spend a couple of days exploring San Francisco. The weather in SF is always better in winter than in summer. Funny how that works :)
Now that we're home, I want to start working on getting my milk production going again, but before we do that, I need to tackle the intra-abdominal pressure that is giving me both acid reflux and constipation. It really sucks that I'd never had a problem with either until Little Man was born and now the problems are big enough to affect how I sleep, how I eat, and what medications and supplements I take. I'm pretty anemic these days, but I can't take iron or even just a multi-vitamin with iron because it really binds me up and even stool softeners and milk of magnesia can take 3 days to produce a bowel movement. I saw the doctor and we're trying a week of really upping the fiber in my diet to see if that produces desired changes, otherwise, it is on to scanning or scoping. I've a feeling something is going on in my colon -- literally -- whenever I bend over I can feel something move inside me, like the kick of a baby or the snick of a ligament being pulled and then settling back into place.
That, and I've dropped nearly 15# since Thanksgiving, without trying, and much of that time with reduced or no breastmilk production. Call me silly, but I think the milk drying up is a sign something is going on.
With regards to weightloss, I've been really good about watching my portion sizes. I ate my fair share of Christmas treats -- but not too many. A sweet-tooth was never my problem, nor was junk-food. No, I was a gourmand with portion-control issues and a serious hormonal imbalance. Lovely enough, having Little Man seems to have balanced out a lot of the hormonal weirdness of PCOS, which has made losing weight the past 7 months much easier than the prior few years. So I'm down 70# from my pre-pregnancy weight. My goal is to drop another 30# in 2013. That should put me solidly in the size 12 to 14 range and my BMI in the 20s, where it belongs, and down 160# from my highest weight in 2007. After that, it's all maintenance. I've three very good reasons to keep my weight down and be healthy and fit: me, Little Man, and M. I want to be around to see Little Man grow up and help M raise him, and given that I'll be 45 in a couple of months, its important that I take my health very seriously. I'm not 30 anymore :)
Once Little Man is over his cold I'm going to get us both on a sleep-play-feeding schedule. He's dabbling with solid foods, but I'd like to get him eating more. He's not crawling yet, but he does wriggle himself around pretty well on his belly. He's getting close to cutting a bottom tooth, I think, and he's chewing on everything he can get his hands on. He's passing things from hand-to-hand now. He knows his name. He's babbling more, and he's getting good at vocalizing when he's unhappy (grumbling) as well as laughing and cooing when he's happy. He's a fun, sweet baby, and most days I feel incredibly blessed.
2012 was an amazing year for me. Lots of changes. I've got high hopes for 2013.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Time flies
The past few weeks have been busy ones.
Little Man seems to be developing more rapidly. He moved his walker toward me for the first time. He's started doing repetitive gestures, like putting his pacifier in his mouth and pulling it out, again and again. I notice him inspecting things with his hands and his eyes. This morning he was laying on my chest and we were doing some eye-gazing. He reached his little hand out and stroked my cheek. I smiled. He stroked my cheek again. And again. I stroked the side of his face with my fingertips. His eyes widened and his mouth made this little 'O' of surprise. He stroked my face and I stroked his, too, and then he smiled beatifically at me. It was a moment of real connection and intimacy that left me glowing inside.
My days seem to fly by. We still don't have a routine down yet, but I'm working on it.
During the day he naps for very short periods of time, usually 10 to 20 minutes, every two to three hours. Every once in a while he will nap for an hour or more, but it is sadly quite rare, so I rarely have time to myself to do the simplest things, never mind write blog posts. I'm somehow managing to keep up with laundry and most days, the dishes, but the floors and bathrooms are rather neglected. To top things off, the acid reflux is still making me cough at night, and I've had laryngitis for weeks. It's pretty miserable.
The new fence we had installed looks phenomenal. I hadn't realized how much effort it took not to notice the ugliness of the old fence when I was on the patio or gardening in the back yard. Of course the reason we replaced it wasn't primarily aesthetic-- it was safety. It was leaning rather dangerously in a few spots and dry rot and termites had damaged enough of the boards that I worried Alex might scuttle through by moving a board aside. But no more. We're in the process of water sealing the fence, which is time consuming given that it's 220 feet long, 6 feet high, with another foot of lattice.
Now I'm looking forward to updating the landscaping, moving some plants around. I've got a hydrangea that needs to be moved now that the city cut down the big trees in the parking strip-- it's getting too much afternoon sun. And the impatiens solenii that I planted this spring are getting too much sun, too. Conversely, the previous owners planted day lilies and African irises on the north facing side of the house, so they hardly bloom. I'll be moving them and planting them around the bottlebrush tree, which produces a natural herbicide that keeps grasses and weeds at bay, but which doesn't seem to bother bulbs/corms. The Arabian jasmine and the hibiscus will be going into the ground soon, once things cool down a bit more. I still have to decide whether I'm going put the wisteria in the ground or leave it in the planter. The nice thing about living in California is that it's rarely a bad time to plant, and nearly everything grows. The difficulty lies in finding the time to garden with an infant needing my attention.
The new fence we had installed looks phenomenal. I hadn't realized how much effort it took not to notice the ugliness of the old fence when I was on the patio or gardening in the back yard. Of course the reason we replaced it wasn't primarily aesthetic-- it was safety. It was leaning rather dangerously in a few spots and dry rot and termites had damaged enough of the boards that I worried Alex might scuttle through by moving a board aside. But no more. We're in the process of water sealing the fence, which is time consuming given that it's 220 feet long, 6 feet high, with another foot of lattice.
Now I'm looking forward to updating the landscaping, moving some plants around. I've got a hydrangea that needs to be moved now that the city cut down the big trees in the parking strip-- it's getting too much afternoon sun. And the impatiens solenii that I planted this spring are getting too much sun, too. Conversely, the previous owners planted day lilies and African irises on the north facing side of the house, so they hardly bloom. I'll be moving them and planting them around the bottlebrush tree, which produces a natural herbicide that keeps grasses and weeds at bay, but which doesn't seem to bother bulbs/corms. The Arabian jasmine and the hibiscus will be going into the ground soon, once things cool down a bit more. I still have to decide whether I'm going put the wisteria in the ground or leave it in the planter. The nice thing about living in California is that it's rarely a bad time to plant, and nearly everything grows. The difficulty lies in finding the time to garden with an infant needing my attention.
We're looking at taking a short holiday somewhere so we can get the flight experience in with Little Man before the big year-end trip to meet M's grandmothers. His passport arrived in the mail this week, which opens up the possibility of a trip to Cabo San Lucas as well as Vegas and Hawaii. M would prefer somewhere tropical-- it's been a year since our trip to Bali. I'm just not sure I want our trial flight to be 5 hours long (Hawaii).
Saturday, September 29, 2012
4 months already
My friend DaTo rode into town last weekend and stayed through Thursday morning. He was an easy guest. I enjoy his energy and low-key company, and Little Man really seemed to take to him. 15 years ago we were a couple -- today we are good friends. It doesn't make sense to me that people fall in love and later break up and never have anything to do with each other again. Relationships change -- this is inevitable -- but if we really love someone, what we love about them doesn't change. That is why I think it is important to be grown-ups and find a way to let go of the past romantic relationship and grow a new one that works in the new circumstances. It is how I maintain a rich life full of love and connection that spans decades and continents. I am fortunate that my partner, M, has known me so long that he is (mostly) comfortable with these apparently unusual circumstances. He's met most of my previous partners because I'm fortunate to still be close with most of them, and so far he hasn't objected to anyone. I'm hoping that as we raise Little Man he will follow in my footsteps with regards to forming relationships and maintaining them through their various iterations. I think he'll be a happier, more connected individual as a result.
This weekend is going to be a flurry of activity. We're taking advantage of the Smithsonian Free Museum Day to visit CuriOdyssey, which is just a mile or so from our house. I think I'll be bringing Little Man there quite a lot over the upcoming years. We'll also be visiting an open house on a house for sale a few blocks from us. We've recently had our home appraised for refinancing, and it's come back far better than we anticipated -- this home for sale is 300 sq feet smaller than ours, has had similar renovations, and is for sale at $50k more than we bought ours for last year. If it sells as fast as the other houses in our area have been, we'll feel pretty good about our decision to buy this place, as well as the price we paid for it.
We're also having the old fences taken down and a new one installed starting on Monday, which means I need to find time to trim back the plantings along the property line in order to make sure the fencers have access and to minimize damage to the landscaping. The fence will be redwood in the board-on-board good neighbor style with a foot of square lattice on top. It will pull together the Mediterr-Asian style we've been creating for the house and grounds. Last weekend we removed the ivy that had over-grown about 50 feet of fence. It revealed a lot of damage to the fence, so we're hoping that the neighbors will agree not to allow ivy to grow on the fence any more. It's difficult to communicate this because they are a Mandarin-speaking older couple and their son isn't around very often for translating. But we'll work it out.
Once the fence is completed and water-sealed, we're pretty much done with updates to the house for the year. We'll start the hunt for a japanese maple as an anchor plant for the back yard, and then that's it until Spring, I think.
Meanwhile, Little Man is growing like mad. We've got his 4 month check up next week, and I'll find out how much he weighs and how long he is at that time. I figure he's at least 15 pounds and 24 inches now. He had a persistent diaper rash that didn't respond to the typical ointments, so we switched to an anti-fungal and it's mostly cleared up. I think he's starting to teethe as he's using people's fingers as chew toys and he's drooling a lot. He's falling asleep around 9pm and waking for a short feeding break around 1am, then sleeping until 5am-ish. I try to take a nap with him in the afternoon so I'm not feeling sleep deprived.
I'm still struggling with feelings of inadequacy with regards to taking care of the housework and the baby. I'm also trying to take an online class, because I don't want my brain getting any mushier. I'm still lactating so I'm still subject to hormonally-influenced emotional swings, which makes things difficult for me and M, both. I find myself taking things personally that I normally don't, and getting irritable very easily. Ah well. I'm doing my best to be ok with it, knowing that this, too, shall pass.
This weekend is going to be a flurry of activity. We're taking advantage of the Smithsonian Free Museum Day to visit CuriOdyssey, which is just a mile or so from our house. I think I'll be bringing Little Man there quite a lot over the upcoming years. We'll also be visiting an open house on a house for sale a few blocks from us. We've recently had our home appraised for refinancing, and it's come back far better than we anticipated -- this home for sale is 300 sq feet smaller than ours, has had similar renovations, and is for sale at $50k more than we bought ours for last year. If it sells as fast as the other houses in our area have been, we'll feel pretty good about our decision to buy this place, as well as the price we paid for it.
We're also having the old fences taken down and a new one installed starting on Monday, which means I need to find time to trim back the plantings along the property line in order to make sure the fencers have access and to minimize damage to the landscaping. The fence will be redwood in the board-on-board good neighbor style with a foot of square lattice on top. It will pull together the Mediterr-Asian style we've been creating for the house and grounds. Last weekend we removed the ivy that had over-grown about 50 feet of fence. It revealed a lot of damage to the fence, so we're hoping that the neighbors will agree not to allow ivy to grow on the fence any more. It's difficult to communicate this because they are a Mandarin-speaking older couple and their son isn't around very often for translating. But we'll work it out.
Once the fence is completed and water-sealed, we're pretty much done with updates to the house for the year. We'll start the hunt for a japanese maple as an anchor plant for the back yard, and then that's it until Spring, I think.
Meanwhile, Little Man is growing like mad. We've got his 4 month check up next week, and I'll find out how much he weighs and how long he is at that time. I figure he's at least 15 pounds and 24 inches now. He had a persistent diaper rash that didn't respond to the typical ointments, so we switched to an anti-fungal and it's mostly cleared up. I think he's starting to teethe as he's using people's fingers as chew toys and he's drooling a lot. He's falling asleep around 9pm and waking for a short feeding break around 1am, then sleeping until 5am-ish. I try to take a nap with him in the afternoon so I'm not feeling sleep deprived.
I'm still struggling with feelings of inadequacy with regards to taking care of the housework and the baby. I'm also trying to take an online class, because I don't want my brain getting any mushier. I'm still lactating so I'm still subject to hormonally-influenced emotional swings, which makes things difficult for me and M, both. I find myself taking things personally that I normally don't, and getting irritable very easily. Ah well. I'm doing my best to be ok with it, knowing that this, too, shall pass.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Today's one of those PJ days
It's official: I'm one of those new moms who spends the entire day wearing pajamas at least once a week. I do get to shower at least every other day though, and now that the Little Man can hold his head up and he's tall enough to be in his walker, I get to brush my teeth all in one go every day.
I'm extremely fortunate that Little Man is an easy baby. I'm hoping we will continue to be so, but I'm not counting on it. He wakes up all smiles in the morning and he's mostly a fuss-free baby for the rest of the day. That said, he's prone to what I call power-naps (under 30 mins) and is very alert and talkative, so I don't get much opportunity to nap during the day. However, I'm able to get a 4 to 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep each night, which is a blessing.
I'm still pumping milk every 3.5 to 4 hours (except for that 5 hour stretch at night) and Little Man is still downing nearly 30 ounces of milk each day. Every once in a while I have to open a bottle of formula, but mostly, my supply is keeping up with his demand. I'm actually grateful that he isn't nursing. I miss the intimacy of it, but bottle-feeding is pretty convenient in that 1) someone else can spot me in feeding the baby on occasion, 2) I'm not getting mastitis and Little Man isn't getting thrush and 3) bottle-feeding takes less time than breast-feeding. Little Man didn't like my low-flow nipples -- he wanted his milk NOW -- which is why he refused to transition back to my breast. He'll down 4 ounces of milk in under 10 minutes, rather than 45 minutes, which means we both get to sleep sooner and I am not sore from having to hold him to my breast. Pumping is taking 5 to 10 minutes, and I'd still be pumping even if I he was on the tit, so, really, I'm getting back 30 minutes of my life 5 or 6 times a day. That's three hours. That's an eternity in new-mommy time.
What else? The quest to start baby-proofing has begun now that little man is starting to squirm around on his belly. The first thing to tackle is the home entertainment unit. I've had nightmares about the baby teething on the wires and drooling into all those electronics with their pretty lights. After months of searching I found a TV console that will hold the DVR, the PS3, the Wii, the Nintendo, the home theater PC, the gigabit switch, the Denon receiver, and all associated handsets and remotes. It's supposed to be delivered next week, as is the new Klipsch speaker that will just fit into the cabinet drawer specially designed to house center channel speakers. I'm looking forward to all the wires disappearing. I've worked hard at ignoring them for over a year now. The irony is that we have a data closet with a NAS server and all the equipment for the internet and TV services in it, and we completely wired the house with ethernet, cable, and TV in every room -- but we've still got wires everywhere in the family room. Go figure ;)
We're in the process of re-financing the house because rates have dropped so low. It's a bit of a hassle, but a point is a point and that adds up to tens of thousands of dollars over the long run. The good news is that the house was appraised at 15% higher than what we bought it for 18 months ago, so we've gotten great value for all of the improvements we've done. We've got just one more. We're replacing the 30+ year old perimeter fence next month and then we're done for a while. M promised :)
The GERD situation is slowly improving. The upper GI test didn't show anything unusual other than slower-than-usual movement through the esophagus due to edema -- the stomach acid has caused a fair amount of irritation and swelling. It's still weird to me that I didn't experience heartburn during the pregnancy but I'm getting it now. All that weird post-pregnancy body-change stuff.
It looks like the little guy is waking up from his nap, so it's time to end this post. Thanks for reading.
I'm extremely fortunate that Little Man is an easy baby. I'm hoping we will continue to be so, but I'm not counting on it. He wakes up all smiles in the morning and he's mostly a fuss-free baby for the rest of the day. That said, he's prone to what I call power-naps (under 30 mins) and is very alert and talkative, so I don't get much opportunity to nap during the day. However, I'm able to get a 4 to 5 hour stretch of uninterrupted sleep each night, which is a blessing.
I'm still pumping milk every 3.5 to 4 hours (except for that 5 hour stretch at night) and Little Man is still downing nearly 30 ounces of milk each day. Every once in a while I have to open a bottle of formula, but mostly, my supply is keeping up with his demand. I'm actually grateful that he isn't nursing. I miss the intimacy of it, but bottle-feeding is pretty convenient in that 1) someone else can spot me in feeding the baby on occasion, 2) I'm not getting mastitis and Little Man isn't getting thrush and 3) bottle-feeding takes less time than breast-feeding. Little Man didn't like my low-flow nipples -- he wanted his milk NOW -- which is why he refused to transition back to my breast. He'll down 4 ounces of milk in under 10 minutes, rather than 45 minutes, which means we both get to sleep sooner and I am not sore from having to hold him to my breast. Pumping is taking 5 to 10 minutes, and I'd still be pumping even if I he was on the tit, so, really, I'm getting back 30 minutes of my life 5 or 6 times a day. That's three hours. That's an eternity in new-mommy time.
What else? The quest to start baby-proofing has begun now that little man is starting to squirm around on his belly. The first thing to tackle is the home entertainment unit. I've had nightmares about the baby teething on the wires and drooling into all those electronics with their pretty lights. After months of searching I found a TV console that will hold the DVR, the PS3, the Wii, the Nintendo, the home theater PC, the gigabit switch, the Denon receiver, and all associated handsets and remotes. It's supposed to be delivered next week, as is the new Klipsch speaker that will just fit into the cabinet drawer specially designed to house center channel speakers. I'm looking forward to all the wires disappearing. I've worked hard at ignoring them for over a year now. The irony is that we have a data closet with a NAS server and all the equipment for the internet and TV services in it, and we completely wired the house with ethernet, cable, and TV in every room -- but we've still got wires everywhere in the family room. Go figure ;)
We're in the process of re-financing the house because rates have dropped so low. It's a bit of a hassle, but a point is a point and that adds up to tens of thousands of dollars over the long run. The good news is that the house was appraised at 15% higher than what we bought it for 18 months ago, so we've gotten great value for all of the improvements we've done. We've got just one more. We're replacing the 30+ year old perimeter fence next month and then we're done for a while. M promised :)
The GERD situation is slowly improving. The upper GI test didn't show anything unusual other than slower-than-usual movement through the esophagus due to edema -- the stomach acid has caused a fair amount of irritation and swelling. It's still weird to me that I didn't experience heartburn during the pregnancy but I'm getting it now. All that weird post-pregnancy body-change stuff.
It looks like the little guy is waking up from his nap, so it's time to end this post. Thanks for reading.
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
I made it through 3 months!
M and I finally got our romantic dinner together last night. Fourth try was a charm :) M's father and sister watched over the Little Man while we ate dinner just a few blocks from home. We dined at The Melting Pot, and this time we ate with enough moderation to get to the chocolate fondue course with room to eat some of it. It was a leisurely two hour meal that reminded me how much I enjoy his company. For all that we are so different, we complement each other. He thanked me for giving him a son. I told him he was the only man I could imagine having a child with. It was a good night.
Little Man is three months old now. He's been a lot of fun for his grandfather and aunt, and a very easy baby. Normally he's very alert for long periods of time interspersed with occasional power-naps, but he's going through a growth spurt -- eating often and sleeping for 3 or 4 hours at a time -- so he's easier than usual. And he's such a happy little guy. Grinning and talking (when he's not grumping about having gas), making eye contact, and playing with his toys. He's flipped himself over onto his back as of yesterday, which surprised everyone, including himself.
The weather has been gorgeous here, perfect really. Blue skies, warm days, cool afternoon breezes. I generally spend most of the afternoon outside with Little Man, gathering peaches and tomatoes, monitoring the growth of the summer squash and cucumber, playing with the baby, and listening to audio books. It's a comfortable life, for the most part. M earns good money and provides well or us, and in exchange, I take very good care of us all. Being a stay-at-home mom is very different from the "kept woman" we used to joke about me being, but I can't complain. It's not a life or role I'd ever envisioned myself in, but it is working out. And perhaps that is the key -- I didn't have my heart set on things being a certain way, looking a certain way, etc, so I'm able to go with the flow of What It Is with little friction or disappointment.
The heartburn / acid reflux / GERD situation seems to be improving, though it's a bit early to be certain. I'm still struggling to keep my food intake up, especially protein, and I really notice it in my energy level some days. Humping all 14# of Little Man around, plus pumping breast-milk every 3 to 4 hours, trying to keep up with the housework and coordinating with 5 neighbors to get the fence around our property re-done is wearing me down. And I am pretty sure that is nutritional, because I'm rarely easily worn-out. But apparently all this is pretty normal for new moms. I'll get the hang of it.
Interestingly enough, my PCOS symptoms seem to be abating. I think that the prolonged changes in my hormonal balance due to pregnancy and lactation is over-riding / interrupting that awful cycle of androgen and testosterone generation. It's certainly made weight-loss much easier (read: normal), which itself helps reduce the excess hormones floating around.
Little Man is three months old now. He's been a lot of fun for his grandfather and aunt, and a very easy baby. Normally he's very alert for long periods of time interspersed with occasional power-naps, but he's going through a growth spurt -- eating often and sleeping for 3 or 4 hours at a time -- so he's easier than usual. And he's such a happy little guy. Grinning and talking (when he's not grumping about having gas), making eye contact, and playing with his toys. He's flipped himself over onto his back as of yesterday, which surprised everyone, including himself.
The weather has been gorgeous here, perfect really. Blue skies, warm days, cool afternoon breezes. I generally spend most of the afternoon outside with Little Man, gathering peaches and tomatoes, monitoring the growth of the summer squash and cucumber, playing with the baby, and listening to audio books. It's a comfortable life, for the most part. M earns good money and provides well or us, and in exchange, I take very good care of us all. Being a stay-at-home mom is very different from the "kept woman" we used to joke about me being, but I can't complain. It's not a life or role I'd ever envisioned myself in, but it is working out. And perhaps that is the key -- I didn't have my heart set on things being a certain way, looking a certain way, etc, so I'm able to go with the flow of What It Is with little friction or disappointment.
The heartburn / acid reflux / GERD situation seems to be improving, though it's a bit early to be certain. I'm still struggling to keep my food intake up, especially protein, and I really notice it in my energy level some days. Humping all 14# of Little Man around, plus pumping breast-milk every 3 to 4 hours, trying to keep up with the housework and coordinating with 5 neighbors to get the fence around our property re-done is wearing me down. And I am pretty sure that is nutritional, because I'm rarely easily worn-out. But apparently all this is pretty normal for new moms. I'll get the hang of it.
Interestingly enough, my PCOS symptoms seem to be abating. I think that the prolonged changes in my hormonal balance due to pregnancy and lactation is over-riding / interrupting that awful cycle of androgen and testosterone generation. It's certainly made weight-loss much easier (read: normal), which itself helps reduce the excess hormones floating around.
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