Life with baby, week two.

So far Daddy M and I are adapting fairly easily to the changes that Little Man is bringing to our lives.  It's good that his father has several weeks of paternity leave because it gives them time to bond. I love settling Little Man on his father's bare chest and watching him relax into his father's warmth, arms limp and hanging down along Daddy's ribs. They nap well together, now that M is learning how to relax with the baby on his chest. He's been great about stepping in to help with baby-related stuff when I find myself trying to juggle too many things at once.

Being a mother is a comfortable role for me. I wear it well. It's definitely not a role I ever intended to take on, but it suits me all the same. My life has changed significantly, but not beyond recognition. I value tranquility and contemplation, and while there is certainly less of both in my life these days, nursing Little Man does create opportunities for meditative moments. These little time-outs are restorative. They also enhance the bonding process and force me to slow down. There is very little going on in my world that can't wait until a baby finishes nursing, I've discovered.

We are blessed with an easy baby. Little Man rarely cries or fusses, and in the past two weeks I've learned to read him well enough to know when he's gassy and needs burping, when he needs a diaper change, when he's hungry, and when he wants snuggling. He's got a great smile that he shares liberally with us, and each day he's more alert for longer stretches of time. I carry or wear him around the house and outside when I'm puttering in the garden. He's such a quiet little guy that we've taken him to a few restaurants and even to a movie without incident. Our proximity to downtown means we can walk to dinner or the movies pushing him along in the pram, and when he's older the nearby city parks are going to be very easy to visit.

I am blessed with the ability to be fully functional on 4 to 6 hours of patchwork sleep.  It's hereditary, I think. My sisters were the same way, as was my mother. I am also blessed that Little Man only wakes up once a night for a feeding. I usually feed him at 11pm, again at 3am-ish, and then when we wakes up again sometime between 6 and 8 am, depending on how long it took him to get back to sleep from his middle-of-the-night milk-a-thon. He's drinking 3 and sometimes even 4 ounces at a time now, which is why he's sleeping for longer stretches than a lot of other newborns.

He started out rather small, at 7 pounds 1 ounce, and after losing 9 ounces on colostrum-only, was 7 pounds 9 ounces on Day 12. He's getting about 1/2 a liter of breastmilk a day (18 ounces), which accounts for his weight increase. And some of my weight loss, I'm sure. I'm glad I made the effort to exercise and keep my weight down during the pregnancy, because my energy-level bounced back up to near-normal within a few days after the baby was born. Seriously. I was cleaning house, doing laundry, gardening, baking, and taking care of the baby with just Daddy M's help (my step-mother had to go home the morning after I came home from the hospital) by Day 4. Apparently this quick a recovery isn't common, but I attribute it partially to my hardy Scottish and German peasant heritage (I'm built for baby-making) and partially to my efforts to stay active and keep my weight gain to a minimum so my body isn't burdened with the exhausting task of moving a lot of surplus weight around in addition to keeping up with the demands of a newborn. As it is, I'm looking forward to the soreness and bleeding to end so I can get to work firming up my lower body. I feel loose and jello-y in my abdomen and hips, and trying to walk at my usual pace still causes pelvic discomfort.

The wait to find out what he looks like isn't over yet. Infants are so plastic. So far it looks like Little Man has my nose. I wish he'd gotten his father's lovely grecian nose instead of my snub nose. I think he's got his father's mouth and eyes. Not sure about the chin yet. It's a pointy chin right now. If it had a hint of a cleft or a dimple I'd say he'd gotten mine, but time will tell. He definitely got my ears, which I got from my father's side of the family. His hair is brown and straight right now, but I know that newborn hair often falls out and grows in quite different. I was born with dark hair that fell out and grew in straight and blonde, and then when I hit puberty it turned dark and curly. Everyone comments on the perfect shape of his head. So far it looks like he's got his father's slender build rather than my sturdier one. Hopefully that means he'll have his father's grace, because I have very little. Without a doubt he's got my feet -- I'd know those long, almost prehensile toes anywhere :)

The Little Man is here!

Our little man arrived this past weekend. 

It seems I managed to avoid the C-section that the doctor thought I was going to need because my cervix was so slow to dilate. They put in an epidural before they started the pitocin, and thus before there was any real pain, because my history of long, difficult intubations (for anesthesia) could be problematic if an emergency C-section was needed and I was too far along for an epidural. However, the slow induction worked out in the end -- after 20 hours on pitocin I suddenly progressed from 4cm to 8cm in a 2 hour period and then there was no stopping his arrival -- I pushed 3 times (with a lot of yelling on my part as it seemed once he was in the birth canal the epidural wasn't as effective) and there he was! The midwife said that the birth was so fast he was in shock when he arrived. It took a minute or so for him to cry.

M and my step-mother were there for the birth. Just barely. They walked into the room as he was crowning. M really surprised me by how much he participated in the delivery (he'd expressed some squeamishness) and early care of the baby. He was going to cut the cord but as they handed him the scissors the doctor cut the cord -- apparently it was wrapped around the little man's neck. My mom was here for a couple of days but had to go home. Fortunately, M is on paid paternity leave so he helps me with Little Man. He's a bit overwhelmed right now, but I've never known him to fail to step-up.

He's a perfectly healthy baby boy, thankfully. We had our concerns, even after the genetic screening came back clear, because of my age and the fact that I was on some medications in the first trimester (including the contraceptive pill) that they steered me clear of once I was diagnosed as pregnant. Since I managed my pregnancy weight so well, he was 7 pounds at birth. It looks like he'll have brown hair and brown or hazel eyes. He's got long legs and big feet so it looks like he's going to get the height on my father's side of the family, just like M wanted. Unfortunately, it also looks like he got my nose, which I have courtesy of my father ;)

The Unintentional Mother's Little Man

The first days with Little Man have been pretty intense, especially when he was only getting colostrum from my breasts, but now that my milk has come in, he's sleeping longer and the quality of his hunger cries is far less heartbreaking for me.

Well, the little guy is awake. Time for breakfast!

Labor & Delivery Day (take two)

Tomorrow we try again with the labor induction. I don't doubt we'll be successful this time. I saw my obstetrician today and she said that I've dilated another centimeter and I'm 50% effaced, so I've made progress in the last four days. This is great news, because it means that this time around my body is more ready for labor.

I'm doing my best to envision a positive birthing experience, particularly one without the need for a C-section. I've spooked the anesthesiology department with my revelation that in all three of my experiences with general anesthesia, I was very difficult to intubate -- my most recent one took 30 minutes, even with a glide-scope. I'm "anterior" -- whatever that means -- the first anesthesiologist repeated it to me over and over again as I was being taken to recovery. I remember her urgency, saying I needed to remember that one word to give to a doctor if I ever had to go under again. So now the Labor and Delivery team are on notice that Anesthesia needs as much lead time as they can get if it looks like a C-section is needed. The mid-wife's response?  "We'll just have to make sure we won't need a C-section then."  I liked her immensely after that :)

I've had time to relax this week since I got the last of the preparation work done last week. I'm feeling much more rested and centered.

I'm kind of dreading breastfeeding. I've been having those nipple vasospasms two and three times a day, and instead of dragging myself into the shower in the middle of the night, I've been having an ounce of alcohol--which my OB says is ok, especially after she witnessed first-hand just how painful they are. The alcohol is a vasodilator that counteracts the vasoconstriction, usually within 5 minutes or so. It's blessed relief. On top of that, I've been having breathtakingly painful charlie-horse muscle spasms in the groin area the past few nights, so I'm eager to push the little guy out.

I'm looking forward to getting my bladder back, and my stomach, too. Solid food isn't sitting well with me, hasn't for weeks. Most of all, though, I'm looking forward to this next stage of my life.

In some ways I'm still in disbelief that I'm having a baby, even as the reality of it kicks me in the diaphragm and bounces on my bladder. But I'm just crazy about M and we've got a good life and a beautiful home and it seems natural for the baby to be the next thing. After that, who knows?

Try a little tenderness (instead of pissiness)

I was up and around after 4 hours sleep.

The "up" part has become a lot more challenging this past week. It's something I do s-l-o-w-l-y so the baby weight in my uterus has time to shift with me. If I get up too quickly it just plain hurts, so I ease into a standing position and make my way around the house with the help of the walls until I've got my equilibrium and momentum. I cleaned the kitchen, fed the cats, took my morning vitamins, and got to work finishing the data migration from my old MacBook Pro to the new one. I know if I don't have it done before the baby comes it could be months before I've got a fully-functioning personal computer again.

The wind woke M up about 10 minutes earlier than his usual time. It's been gusting up to 40mph here for at least 36 hours and the wind downed a gorgeous old olive tree across the street yesterday. We spent a little time together before he fired up the computers for work and play, and by 10am I felt an uncontrollable urge to nap.

We had another workman come in today, and after I found dealing with yesterday's workman so tiring, M decided to work from home today to help me out. The window for his arrival was 9:30-11:00 and at 10:50am, while I was napping, M got into the shower. He thought the guy was going to be a no-show. Nope. At 10:55 the doorbell rang. Then some knocking. I yelled for M to get the door, not knowing he was in the shower. The doorbell rang again and more knocking. I realized that if I didn't get to the door soon, the guy might leave, and the hole in the wall (left by the plumber who repaired a leak in the master bath) would go un-repaired. So I leaped out of bed (a feat that hurt so badly my knees almost buckled) and hobbled to the door as fast as my legs and the walls would support me. This 60 foot dash had me a little out of breath as I opened the door, still in my pajamas and clutching at my belly. I'm sure I wasn't a pretty picture, and as a result of my humiliation and disappointment, I sought out poor M while he was still in the shower and got pissy with him. It took me about half an hour to get over my pissyness, even after he'd apologized a couple of times and gave me a hug. Grr.

The good news is the contractor did a great job of patching up our wall. If we had regular drywall I would have patched it myself, but we don't. The walls in our circa 1950 house have two layers of wallboard--one is cementboard and another is a plasterboard that was a precursor to sheetrock, for a combined thickness of about 3/4". I didn't feel like wrestling with trying to find a combination of furring strips and sheetrock that would make the right thickness to match the rest of the wall, or doing the amount of messy mudding (spackling) it would take to build the surface up if I had to use just 5/8" drywall--even if I wasn't 39 weeks pregnant :) The best thing about being "handy" is knowing how to do a cost-benefit analysis that helps determine whether or not to let a pro do the work.

This afternoon we snuggled a bit and had a mini-talk about how the baby is going to impact our lives. I told him he's going to have to step in as the primary source of attention for Jasper, who is a very social animal and needs interaction with his people, or he acts out. It's rather funny, actually.

I also told him that I want him to let me know if he is experiencing an attention deficit, because I'm going to be tuning into the baby's needs and may not be as attuned to his. I've gotten very good about letting him know what my needs are, even making an effort to give him advanced notice where I can, and I've also gotten very good at anticipating his needs (which he loves--who wouldn't?) but realistically, I'm not sure I'm going to be able to maintain that level of presence with a newborn on my hands. I know a lot of couples go through a tough time the first 6 months because the father feels like a third wheel and an afterthought and I'm hoping to avoid that by reminding M that he has a better chance of getting what he wants if he has the presence of mind to ask for it ;)

Tonight he plays poker with his friends, and I get the evening to myself. Probably the last evening alone in a long, long time.

Tomorrow night we'll have our Last Supper as a childless couple.

And Friday morning we initiate labor. Finally.

Wish me luck!

10 days and counting

May is a gorgeous month here in the San Francisco Bay Area. Or at least it is gorgeous south of the City.  This weekend it was nearly 80F at my house, but a jaunt into the City uncovered a dampy, foggy wind and temperatures in the 60s. Needless to say, I didn't stay there long.

The pregnancy is going remarkably well, I'm told. No signs of preeclampsia, no gestational diabetes, I've kept my weight down, and all my bloodwork looks good. The latest ultrasound shows the baby in the desired head-down position. But at 38 weeks, I'm getting worn out, and the baby isn't showing any signs of wanting to make an appearance. My feet have started to swell, so I'm wearing flip-flops most of the time -- not the most stable footwear for someone who can't see her toes anymore. I've got a permanent crick in my pelvis/low back that sometimes turns into a sharp knife-like pain when I'm out walking--so I'm sticking close to home these days. It is getting more and more difficult to find food that agrees with me, so I'm mostly eating frozen greek yogurt, trail-mix, and rice with a bit of milk. My nose sometimes bleeds for no apparent reason, and my ring and pinky fingers are getting numb and tingly. These are all things that are known to go with pregnancy so I'm not worried, just tired.

This weekend I put together the last of the baby-related furniture and got things organized so that changing and dressing him should be relatively easy. I hope. I've been going through closets and dressers and dropping things off at GoodWill. Cleaned the guest room and prepped it for my my parents' upcoming visit. My step-mother is a nurse and it will be good to have her with me for the delivery. Moved most of the cleaning supplies out from under the sinks to the garage (it's never too early to start developing new habits). We've still got some bins to go through from the move into the house a year ago, but some of that will have to wait.

Our friends and family have been so generous with regards to baby gifts that I've had to add things to the baby registry. I'm not big on accumulating things that we won't need or use until months down the road, so most of what has been on the registry list has been newborn through 3 month needs. Our living room is full of cardboard boxes from Amazon -- we've been breaking them down and recycling them for weeks but more keep coming.

I'm already working on my to-do list once the baby is born. There are a lot of things I just can't do right now. Or don't want to do because it might bother the baby inside me. Like using the circular saw :)  I want to finish building the side panels on the rolling bamboo gate that camouflages the garbage bins, but handling lengths of lumber and using power tools isn't a good idea right now. I've also got a burning desire to move the gorilla storage racks in the garage, and that will have to wait, too. And planting. I've got a 40 foot long planting bed along the back of the house but I don't have what it takes to plant and maintain it right now, so I've held off on the tomatoes and carrots and snap peas. Plus, I need to dig down and put some hardware cloth in place to keep the gophers/moles out of the garden.

Well, time to finish this up. I've got plumbers coming in to fix the leak in the master bath soon. And I need to go over the bids for the sewer lateral work we're having done. And take my neighbor to the doctor this afternoon (she just got out of the hospital a few days ago). And then I get to nap :)

Wading for the good baby

I feel like I'm living at a very high altitude these days. High altitude, or under water. All movement seems to require so much effort, and I feel the need to take great gulps of air -- only I don't have room to expand my lungs. The baby keeps kicking me in the diaphragm, which isn't helping. Sunday afternoon I was laying on my back, vise grips in hand, trying to tighten a bolt on the new Toto toilet that arrived this weekend, and the baby kept kicking my diaphragm, making me cough, which in turn worried my partner. Yes, I'm 37 weeks pregnant, but I'm the handy type, and I'm not good at laying around watching someone else sweat. I insist on helping, and M is gracious enough to wait for me while I move around like I'm wading through water. The only thing I seem to do quickly these days is void my bladder and refill it.

Anyway, the Toto toilet and washlet is installed now, and it's a real treat to use, but the tools are still laying about. It makes me a bit nuts, probably because my father was incredibly anal about his tools, and I used to get my butt kicked if tools weren't cleaned and put away where they belonged. I just didn't have the energy to put them away today, and M probably didn't either. Not to mention that he just sort of puts things on the gorilla shelves in the garage wherever they'll fit, instead of where they were when he grabbed them. He just doesn't have the motor-memory of where he got them from, even when he gets instructions from me as to where to find them. However, when I handle a thing, I can remember both the place I found it, and the last place I saw it. He doesn't have that talent, and relies on me to tell him where he left things. He usually asks before he starts searching, just on the off chance my mind has noted an object's whereabouts. I'm hoping this doesn't happen with the baby or poopy diapers or we're in trouble ;)

I'm losing a couple of pounds a week these days. I just can't seem to take in enough calories to meet the baby's needs and my own. I just don't have the room in my stomach right now. I've stocked the fridge with sopressata and genoa salami and sliced cheeses for quick calories, along with sugar snap peas and baby carrots. I also picked up some Healthy Choice fudge bars to complement the frozen yogurt bars I've been sucking on when my tummy is unhappy with me. When all else fails, it's protein drinks and bars. I'm getting sick more now than I did in the first trimester. I suppose I shouldn't whine about it too much. There are lots of women who end up with gestational diabetes and have to be very careful a bout what they eat. Luckily, my blood sugar has been in the 70s and 80s.

My Group B Strep test came back negative, so no need to run prophylactic antibiotics in the delivery room. I wasn't sure what to expect for the test results -- after my bout with septicemia and the mega-doses of state of the art IV antibiotics I received for 6 weeks, I expect whatever bacterial colonies I've got now are highly resistant to conventional treatment. A few months ago an area of skin infection had to be excised because antibiotics weren't clearing it up. Fortunately, the healthy tissue healed up very quickly.

I find myself wondering what the baby is going to look like. I'm hoping he has his father's brown eyes. Mine are brown, as well, but there is something about his eyes... I'd love to look into our child's face and see his father's eyes. Of course, both of us having brown eyes doesn't guarantee that the baby will be brown-eyed. Eye color has multi-genic heritability, and we've both got blue eyes in the family -- and green on my side, as well. My big hopes are that he gets his father's nose and metabolism instead of mine. M hopes that the baby gets the tall genes that run on my father's side of the family.

Being pregnant when it is hot really sucks. I'm having difficulty staying hydrated when I'm out and about at all the prenatal appointments, shopping for groceries, and picking up the last bits of things I need for the baby's arrival. The heat also makes it difficult to muster interest in food, which impacts my energy level. Thankfully the house has stayed cool even without the A/C on. It's 85F outside and 72F inside.

I think I'm going to lay down for a nap. I woke up wildly hungry at 3am this morning, and again at 6:00am with the birds.I'm starting to keep breastfeeding hours, I think :)             

Two weeks until Delivery Day

We have a completely new HVAC system for the house as of Thursday. Boy does it raise and lower ambient temperatures quickly! And it's all high-efficiency so we'll see a difference in our gas and electric bills. We decided to get it done before the baby comes, instead of afterwards. Sometime in the next 9 months we'll have the floors insulated from the crawlspace -- before winter comes and the baby is crawling around on cold hardwood and stone tile floors. Of our 1900 sq foot house, only about 500 sq feet is carpeted.

I had someone come in to tackle cleaning the bathrooms and floors, and she did a beautiful job for a fair wage. I'll probably ask her back in a few weeks.

The Graco pack n'play bassinet has been put together and is situated by my bed. It's going to be a good height for handling middle of the night changes and breastfeeding. I've already got diaper-changing and feeding-related stuff in two canvas bins in the top half of the bassinet. God, I hope I'm ready for that!

All the baby clothes and linens that came in this week have been washed and stashed. Yesterday we stopped by Ikea to pick up a dresser and cloth bins to compartmentalize the drawers so those tiny little socks and whatnot don't get lost in the shuffle. M wanted to be a part of the baby furniture decision-making process, but he's only available on weekends, and our weekends have been full of classes and house-related projects and his usual techie puttering. Hopefully we'll get the dresser assembled today.

Speaking of classes, I had the breastfeeding class and the newborn care class yesterday. I'm not sure what I was thinking when I booked two 2.5-3 hour classes back to back. All that sitting in hard chairs made my feet and ankles swell. They're still swollen this morning. Grr.

I'm getting frustrated and tearful a lot more these days, mostly with M. I know it's not fair for me to expect him to read my mind and anticipate my needs, but there are times when I wish he was a better listener -- especially those times when I've had to repeat myself. He's also used to me being his reminder system, but I'm not very good at it these days -- not when my brain is mushy like it is now. Living with M is like living with an artist or musician or an absent-minded professor. He's always thinking and imagining--which I love about him. He's got a big, sexy brain. Before we lived together he'd forget to do things like make meals, do laundry, and feed the cat -- so I took all the domestic stuff on. And now I'm a bit overwhelmed. It's frustrating when he asks me about something as simple as how I make his bacon sandwiches -- which I make the way he told me he likes them -- but, I should be happy he's making the effort, right? Right. Right.

Sleeping is no longer the deep, restful sleep it once was. I'm constantly adjusting positions because something is tingling or I can't breathe right or the baby keeps pounding on the same spot like he needs more room. I'm resting/napping a lot more. I experience the burning-eye need to lay down two or three times a day now. The good news is that this phase is only for 2 more weeks.Once the baby is born I'll be sleeping less, I know, but I'll be experiencing a lot less physical discomfort (I hope) and much better mobility. Two improvements which should have a marked impact on my emotional state.

Still to do are the bag for the hospital, the installation of the car seat base, purchasing some newborn disposable diapers to get through the first few days of toxic waste, and finishing the re-organization of my bedroom so I'm not tripping over bins and boxes.

The soon-to-be-new-mom freak-out hour

We're moving the induce-by date up to the weekend of May 19-20. The weekend is more convenient for everyone, and if the baby is delivered Sunday afternoon between 4-7:30 there will be a ring-of-fire (annular) solar eclipse occuring over the Bay Area. Pretty cool.

I had an appointment with my primary care physician this morning per my obstetrician's recommendation.  I'm experiencing some mild angina-like symptoms along with the occasional flutter (arrythmia) and given that I've had hypertension since Hell Year 2008 and pregnancy adds extra work for the heart, it's probably a good idea to get a cardiac check-up prior to the delivery marathon coming up in 20 days or so. The EKG showed mild sinus tachycardia -- not unusual during pregnancy, so that's good. Next time my heart races and my BP drops I'm supposed to drink water as my doc suspects my blood volume is getting low.

The fact that we're counting down in days now, rather than weeks, has me on the edge of freaking out. This pregnancy has happened very fast seeing as I didn't know I was pregnant until I was nearly 16 weeks. So that is part of it. It also seems like there is so much left to do, and I'm really impatient with my physical limitations right now. I'm bringing someone in on Thursday to clean the bathrooms and the floors, especially since we're having workmen in this week changing out the HVAC system. New furnace, new ducts, new A/C this week.

Fortunately, I've had some friends step up to help me figure out how to organize the baby gear and determine what is still needed. I'm normally a very organized person but all the tiny little baby clothes look alike to me. Now they've been sorted into bins for newborn, 0-3, 3-6, 6-9, 9-12 and 1 year +. After a lot of hunting around, I'm pretty sure I'll be heading to Ikea this week to pick up some Trofast frames and bins for organizing all the baby stuff. Once he's off on his own in his own room, the bins will be great for toy storage and the like, but for now, I'll use them for storing diapers, ointments, clothes, even as a changing table. So much STUFF.

Everything is going to change very soon. I've lived a mostly tetherless, responsibility-free life for the past 25 years, and now, at a time when my friends are becoming grandparents, I'm having my first and only child. All my adult life I avoided even having pets because I wanted to be free to go places and do things without having to worry about who was watering, walking, feeding, and paying attention to pets. I avoided getting married because it didn't make sense if I wasn't having kids. I even avoided accumulating much in the way of things (except books) because it seems to me that people become owned by their things and tied to a place because things need space.

And now there is a baby coming, and I can't return him to the store if he's too much bother ;) I can't just make a quick 10 minute trip to the grocery store anymore. Every move is going to have to be planned, every moment of the baby's time accounted for so that he's not unaccompanied.  I've never minded being tied-up, but the knowledge that I'll soon be tied-down is freaking me out. 5 years ago someone I was dating told me I was commitment-phobic, and at the time, I thought that was rubbish. But CW was right about a lot of things, and it looks like he was right about that, too. I should send him an email and let him know. Men do love it when women tell them they're right :)

Childbirth. Must I?

I had a high pain tolerance once. I could function well enough at level 10 that one of the paramedics didn't believe me when I told him it was that high. I offered to scream and projectile vomit for him (which I was trying very hard not to do) at which point his partner guided me onto the gurney. In the emergency room it took 3 doses of morphine to bring my pain-level down to a point that my body would lie still for an MRI of my internal organs. That's pain.

Nearly four years ago I was admitted to the hospital with a wound that had gone septic and beyond, to septic shock. I apparently came within hours of dying, had a couple of surgeries, weeks of hospital and home health care, and ended up with an 8-inch long & 4-inch deep open wound that had to heal up from the inside out. Endless bags of antibiotics until my veins were exhausted and I cried through IV pumps rather than admit it was time to change the IV site and invite even more agony (lesson learned: demand a PICC line if I'm going to be on an IV for more than a few days).

Talk about pain. The memory of the pain is still with me: it brings tears to my eyes. It cut through my dilaudid-on-demand; it made my whole body tremble and jerk, even in my sleep. I spent 10 days checked-out from my body, burrowed deep into some remote place in my mind. Those 10 days are lost to me, just pained haziness punctuated with moments of extreme agony. I vowed that I never, ever wanted to experience that kind of pain again.

Childbirth. On a scale of 1-10 it's just over 11, I've read.  I am assured that the memory of labor pain fades with time. And of course, it does. It must. It's the thought of that in-the-moment gut-wrenching pain that freaks me out. I just don't know if I can muster the courage to face that kind of pain again, even with the help of an epidural. Sometimes I think about scheduling a C-section just to avoid it. And I probably would if I didn't want to have to deal with recovering from major surgery.  I also know it is better for the baby to experience vaginal birth. Its like a full body massage--it gets the blood and lymph flowing, stimulates the muscles, etc. And that matters to me more than the memory of pain.

Childbirth. Never intended to go through it, feel completely unprepared to handle it. But it's how human life begins, so... meh. I'll keep trying to pysch myself into it. Perhaps the Labor & Delivery Tour at the hospital next weekend will help take the edge off some of the anxiety.

Letter #4 to my unborn son

So we're at 34 weeks today, you and me. I was pretty confident we'd make it all the way to the 39 week mark, but today, I'm not so sure. I had another breathless and lightheaded episode at the doctor's office when I was laying on my back for a few minutes for heartbeat monitoring. It took me 30 minutes to recover so I could drive home. I'm waking up at night with tingly arms and that breathless feeling, usually because I've rolled over onto my back in my sleep. You're getting on my nerves and my veins, apparently.

The monthly ultrasound looks normal (still no sign of your super-powers) and our obstetrician says that babies delivered by storks is a myth. I was wondering why it wasn't an option on the birth plan! My goal right now is to get through week 37, when you're considered full-term. So far I'm not experiencing any of the serious symptoms that women tend to experience in the last final trimester, and that's really good news for us both. I lost 3 pounds in the last 4 weeks, somehow. I'm not really trying to lose weight, just maintain. You're taking up so much room inside me I figured I'd gained another 5, but nope, I lost three, so we're at 9 pounds net gain, five of which is just you. 

We've been accumulating baby gear from family and friends, the baby registry, and Craig's List. Boy, babies are expensive endeavors! It helps that I'm naturally frugal and love second-hand and home-made gifts, but I know you're going to have a significant impact on our household budget. We really need to get a family car, since the two-seater won't fit the three of us, and my old GMC Jimmy is on it's last legs. Let's hope that promotion your father applied for comes through this month, since the increase in salary should more than cover your baby-related expenses.

You're going to be a fidgeter like your father, I think. You're wiggling all over the place. I'm doing those fetal NST's twice a week now, and sometimes you squirm off the monitor. Unless we were up all night, in which case all you want to do is sleep and the test takes an hour instead of 20 minutes because you won't move.

I'm reading all these birthing books and parenting books and what to expect books and, well, I'm saturated. Babies don't come with instruction manuals, so people try to help each other out with all sorts of advice, but I'm at the point now where I recognize that so much depends on you, and the kind of baby you're going to be. Are you going to be demanding and colicy, or quiet and beatific? As a newborn will you have a healthy constitution (like your father), or will you be sickly (like I was)? So many questions -- but they'll be answered soon enough.

I'm looking forward to you joining us next month. I should get around to packing the bag for the hospital soon. Just 5 more weeks, at most!

I'm blessed.

In my preoccupation with my unforeseen shift from comfortable infertility to unintentional motherhood, I've forgotten how many women out there only wish they had my problem. So many of the women my age who know I'm pregnant assume I worked hard to get pregnant. I've forgotten how many women struggle with infertility. But I know they're out there. I know women who've worked for years to get pregnant or adopt a child. I know many who succeeded, and many who failed.

When my sister was diagnosed with the same fertility problems as me, she was devastated. Her dream of raising a family and living happily ever after withered. It died with her, unfulfilled, at a time in her life where she probably could have afforded the infertility treatments that might have made a child possible. Me, on the other hand, I was ecstatic when I got the news from my infertility specialist that I couldn't get pregnant without intervention. In my early 20's, it meant I didn't have to be on those maddening birth control pills any longer and didn't have to freak out every time I skipped a period when I was using condoms instead. I found infertility incredibly freeing, but I recognize that there are thousands of women who find it agonizing.

That isn't to say that there haven't been times that I was sad I couldn't have kids. I just might have gotten married in my mid-20's if the man I was with hadn't wanted a large family. Parting ways was difficult for both of us, but now he has the children he wanted and to this day we're still very good friends. And as recently as a year ago I was sad because M was sad that choosing me meant no children for him. I suppose I could look at this and consider myself lucky that I got pregnant by accident, instead of going through months (even years) of fertility treatments.

So when I can't sleep at night, or when I want to cry because I'm exhausted half way through trying to accomplish something, or when I'm peeved I won't be able to make that awesome event this summer because I'll be wearing a newborn, I'll try to remember that I'm blessed.

I'm blessed. How strange for me to think of being pregnant as a blessing, but a good way of thinking, too. Life's weird ;)

Physical discomfort and cognitive dissonance

Discomfort is the umbra of my existence: leaning forward, walking, sleeping, digesting a meal, even my thought processes -- all are impacted by the entity occupying my womb.

I admit there are times when I feel occupied rather than, oh, I don't know, pregnant. My body is no longer wholly my own. Sometimes that bothers me on a deep, barely conscious level. I think it has something to do with the fact that gestation and motherhood just aren't part of my identity. They never had been. Yes, I am a nurturer, but I am not a mommy. The whole mommy-identity is foreign to me, and still uncomfortable. I know that when the time comes I'll step into that role, and that in being a mother, I will become one. I know this, and I'm not worried. I'm just uncomfortably aware that a disconnect is still there, and I'm doing my best to be okay with that.

The part of me that never wanted to be a parent wants validation, I think. This surprising miracle pregnancy has changed everything, and that part of me doesn't welcome the changes. There. I've admitted it.

I never wanted to be a mother and I'm not 100% certain I want to be a mother, but I'm carrying this baby and a larger part of me wants to experience this whole new realm that I never thought would be open to me. I've been rapidly playing catch-up, emotionally, mentally. Most females are indoctrinated to see baby-making as part of their identity, a prerequisite for being a "real" woman. They dress baby-dolls and pick out names and fantasize about weddings and nurseries. They evaluate the males in their lives as prospective providers and fathers. They ask themselves, "Would I want to make a baby with this man?" Many, if not most, women do this, I know. But not me.

I love being an auntie. I love solitude and serenity. I love the solitary pursuits of writing and voice-over recording. I love sleeping in and dining out and haring off on crazy adventures. I like riding motorcycles a little too fast and making love a little too slow. Someday... Someday I hope I'll say "I love being a mom." Even though I won't love waking up all hours of the night, even though I won't enjoy cleaning up vomit and poo. I hope I'll be saying that I love being a mom even after I've had to cancel much-anticipated plans because the baby is sick or the sitter fell through for the nth time.  I think I will.

I'm an all-in kind of person, and when M and I decided to proceed with this pregnancy, I committed myself to doing whatever it takes, to being whoever I need to be, in order to fulfill the imperatives of our child-to-be. Including being a mother.

I am grateful that the baby's father and I have such a strong connection. M and I have been each other's closest friends for years. Becoming lovers seemed natural, if accidental. Love flows this way, sometimes. I'm hoping we'll succeed at being parents together, succeed in building a family life together. He, at least, has always wanted a family, and in this, I'll follow his lead.

Soon. The baby is coming soon. I'm looking forward to the day he arrives. Even if he isn't being delivered by stork.

Preliminary birth plan

I'm not sure what my birth plan is going to be yet, but I'm compiling notes about what I do and do not want happening over the course of the main event.

1-None of that fasting during childbirth crap. Bring on the clear liquids and light snacks. Athletes don't fast before and during endurance events, so why should laboring women?

2-If inducing labor, under no circumstances is Cytotec (misoprostol) to be used. It is not FDA approved for obstetric use and the obstetric effects can be horrific. Use Cervidil instead of PGE1 or PGE2 for better control of dosage and fewer side-effects. Avoid oxytocin if possible.

3-If labor is incredibly painful, administer epidural only once the baby is in the anterior position -and- dilation is 7cm or greater. Epidurals delay labor if administered too early.

4-If doing epidural, NO glucose IV -- use saline only -- and make sure they give at a max of 150ml/hr to prevent fluid overload, anemia, ketonuria, hyperbilirubinemia and blood-sugar issues, as well as site inflammation. Nutrition by mouth is better for mother and fetus.

5-Make sure someone attending the birth knows how to administer sterile water injections for back labor pain. Mid-wives are very familiar with this practice even if doctors aren't.

6-No forceps or other instruments are to be used for delivery.

7-No episiotomy unless it will prevent emergency use of instruments for delivery.

8-Absolutely no circumcision -- or there will be a madwoman administering castrations.


Anyone want to chime in with other recommendations?

Introvert or Extravert, which will he be?

What makes human beings introverted or extraverted, I wonder? I've read statistics that 25% of people are introverts and I find myself pondering about what type of personality my child will have. Some say that people are born with that trait, others, that it is forms in childhood. The heritability of introversion and extraversion appears to be polygenic, much like intelligence, and I find myself wondering if this child of two introverts will be introverted as well.

The baby's father is extremely introverted. He was shy and contemplative as a child, and while not really shy anymore, he's a thoughtful, almost reclusive, adult. He has a big, beautiful mind, one that fascinates me, and he's constantly feeding it. He prefers his own company and that of a few good friends, and often cannot wait to get back home, even if it is only from a day at the office. Being social is a big stretch for him, and usually requires not only recovery time, but prep-time. He will turn down social engagements well over 90% of the time if they are sprung on him last-minute. He's not even interested in internet-based socializing, even though he's worked in the internet-realm for over a decade. To him, things like internet messaging are tools for achieving an end-goal, rather than a way to keep in touch with people -- he has an analytical, transactional view of social exchange. He can enjoy social interactions while they are happening, but rarely misses relationships much when they are inactive. In fact, with him and some other introverts I know, a relationship doesn’t really exist when it is inactive.

I am either an outgoing introvert, or an introverted extravert. It is difficult to say. I score nearly 50/50 on the Myers-Briggs tests, with a slight edge given to 'E'. Reports from adults who knew me as a child state that I was a solemn child, but I could also be quite talkative. I recall being a bookworm -- I preferred my own company or the company of books to social interaction, unless I was interacting with adults. Adults were interesting. I had few friends, mainly because I had little in common with children my age -- I lived on a completely different plane, mentally and emotionally, from my peers.  As an adult, people who know me socially sometimes argue with me if I claim to be an introvert. I can be quite social as long as I have time to prepare and meet my minimum required amount of me-time. I have a handful of deep, intimate friendships and a wide circle of more casual friends. I am uncomfortable being the center of attention and feel anxious speaking to groups -- for example, the thought of a baby shower makes me nervous. I've had to learn how to actively maintain relationships with people I don't interact with on a daily basis, because most of my friends are introverts as well, and their internal lives are so rich they don't notice when relationships go dormant.

In many ways, life is easier for extraverts (or extroverts, as some people like to spell it). In our American culture, people tend to think there is something wrong with a person who is quiet rather than social, and introverted children are invariably given a hard time at school. But introverted children tend to be better behaved and self-entertaining than their extraverted counterparts. I worked with kids for years, and I can't say I have a favorite personality type. I expect that which ever trait our son exhibits, we'll be fine with it. I'm just hoping that if he does end up being an introvert I can teach him how to be social while still respecting his inner needs for solitude and social down-time. If I learned how, so can he. I hope.

Sleepless

A good night's sleep has become elusive. I'm up every couple of hours, lately with breast pain. There's nothing quite like waking up to the sound of your own moans. Even with my pain tolerance it's difficult to deal with, so I'm taking a couple of Tylenol most nights.

I'm starting to feel a bit anxious about breastfeeding -- and hoping the pain doesn't get much worse. I've had one hysterical-crying jag over terrible nipple pain and it really freaked M out. Poor dear. Even when I was in horrible pain from the infection and septicemia and the 8inch incision that had to close without stitches, I didn't express as much pain. Could be that septic experience "broke" my pain threshold, or could be that I'm just in that much pain. It's subjective, so what matters is -- it hurts!

The baby is getting bigger and he's a wiggle-worm.  Last night M finally got to feel him moving around. Most of the time when M touches my belly the baby stops moving, but not this time. Maybe it's getting crowded in there?

Bigger baby means more internal pressure, which means I wake up more often with a need to shift positions. Which isn't easy anymore. Rolling over involves abdominal muscles that I just don't have the usual control over, so once I've rolled onto my back I feel like a turtle on it's back, trying to turn over. I'm considering trying rolling onto my belly/hands-and-knees and then laying on my other side from that position. Or maybe getting out of bed and then laying back down on the desired side. The nice thing about having a bed to myself is I can do that without disturbing anyone.

Being low on sleep makes me a bit cranky, and more than a little scattered. Combine that with all the hormonal pregnancy-brain stuff and I'm hardly recognizing myself these days. I can't seem to stay on top of commitments and appointments and whatnot. I've even called-off M's birthday party this weekend because I'm so tired that the thought of entertaining a large group of people for a few hours makes me want to cry.

But aside from the sleep deficit (which I'm sure I'll be getting used to once the baby comes) and the tender breasts, I'm feeling good. I'm learning to respect the limits of my body, so no more of those charlie-horse type cramps from over-exerting. I think that all the dietary supplements I'm taking are really helping support my health -- I haven't been sick in ages. Even the knee pain I experienced earlier in the pregnancy is gone, thankfully.

Eight more weeks. I can do eight more weeks of this. I think ;)

Mid-march: 10 weeks left, max.

It's been a busy March so far.

All the the work we planned to do to the exterior of the house has been accelerated from "sometime this summer" to "before the baby comes."

The landscapers completed the re-sod of the front yard and they planted two of the three flowering cherry trees for us. It looks spectacular, and was completed just in time for this week's downpour.

The update to the small strip alongside the driveway where we keep the garbage bins is almost complete. It's been a DIY project to remove the bark mulch and soil and replace it with pavers and pond pebbles. I gave myself a couple of charlie-horse level cramps in my low abdomen from hauling the .5 cubic foot bags of rocks around, thus putting an end to most of my lifting -- which is why the project isn't completely done yet. I took some bamboo fencing and built a frame around it (I love power tools), put it on wheels, and now we have a movable screen to camouflage the garbage bins. I just need to paint the frame white once it stops raining and the wood dries.

I also have some hosta, ferns, and astilbe to plant in the beds out front, but with 4 days of non-stop rain, I've not gotten around to it yet.

Meanwhile, the plum tree is almost done blooming, the peach tree has the most amazing pink-flamingo flowers, and two of the three flowering cherries are in bloom. The fuzzy, thumb-sized wisteria buds have become beautiful purple flower clusters, and the Impatiens sodenii (Poor Man's Rhododendron--what a stupid name for a gorgeous plant) that I dug up and divided two weeks ago is incredibly happy with the new locations. M and I also dug up and divided a whole bank of Lily of the Nile (Agapanthus) into about 100 plants. We used a half-dozen on our property, planted another 15 or so on the parking strips in the neighborhood, gave some away to neighbors, and let the landscaper (who looked longingly at the divisions) have the rest. They are such beautiful, zero-maintenance, drought-tolerant plants.

One of my cats has been sick for a week, a pet-food allergy I think, and I accidentally gave him the wrong kind of anti-histamine, which resulted in a very expensive over-night stay at the animal hospital a few blocks away.

I've had my follow-up ultrasound for the baby -- he's right on target size-wise for his age, thankfully, so my working to keep my weight down (just 4# gained so far!) isn't affecting his growth.

I've also done 24 hour urine collection for toxemia testing. I'm doing the kick counts now that I'm past the 28 week mark, and in a month I'll start doing the daily pee-on-a-stick test for toxemia. The last blood sugar test for gestational diabetes was great, but I'm due for a new one, as well as some blood-work. I'll probably get that done Monday.

Moving around is a lot less graceful, and I wasn't terribly graceful to begin with. I'm not quite ponderous, but getting there. Just rolling from one side to another in bed often results in little pains and moans. I can feel pulling sensations deep inside me as muscles stretch and ligaments loosen. For the most part my hair, nails, and skin are great, except where my skin is doing weird things. My breasts are filling in, and though they are hurting less right now, my nipples still seem to catch fire at random moments day and night. Standing, I cannot see my toes anymore. When I start feeling especially thwarted or limited, I just remind myself I've got 10 weeks left.

Tomorrow is St Patrick's day, and then a week later we'll have a birthday party for M. His father is coming to visit for a couple of weeks and hopefully the rain will let up so the two of them can tackle some of the outdoor projects that need to be done in the back yard area.

April is going to be busy with getting things ready for the baby inside the house. We've started getting baby gifts already, which is awesome! Baby shower in April, as well as most of the classes to prep me for childbirth and nursing. Oh, and we're looking at buying an investment (rental) property before the baby comes, so things probably will be intense right up to the moment the baby comes.

Letter #2 to my unborn son

Darling boy,

We are in week 26 of our journey together, the start of the third trimester, and you will arrive in 12 to 13 weeks.  For silly reasons of my own I am hoping that you arrive after May 20th, though that may change as you grow larger and the rigors of pregnancy take their toll.

In the past three weeks my body has changed significantly. I definitely have a belly now, and I notice it most when I'm out for a walk. I have to ask your father to slow down now, because when I try to keep up with him I get a cramp :) As each day goes by I am able to exert myself less without cramps or aches. I notice it most when I'm working in the garden. Even with tools I'm having to take things easy, and I can't assume that I'll be able to do as much from one day to the next. I'm staying as active as I can without risking our safety.

Most days it feels like Spring, which is good, because I'm not feeling as chilled as I was just a few weeks ago. The primroses I planted last year are re-blooming, and the red cyclamen are still growing strong. They are the same color of red as the front door. I've noticed that the wisteria has dozens of flower buds that seem to be swelling a little bit every day. The jasmine are really growing, and the scented rose is leafing out. The plum tree in back is just starting to show it's white blossoms, and in a few weeks, so will the peach tree. The lemon verbena is putting out some leaves now. I'd feared it died in last month's unusual chill. I love the lemon smell and once it is strong again, I'll transplant it into the same flower bed as the rosemary and lavender bushes. I've also got a bird-of-paradise plant to put in between the bottle-brush tree and the mandarin tree at the edge of the patio. In a few years it's orange and red and blue flowers will tie-in the colors of the two trees, and fill the space between them with beautiful foliage. I hope you'll inherit my love of plants, and help me in the garden as you grow.

Hopefully by the end of February the work at the front of the house will be done. We're putting in irrigation and replacing the 60 year old lawn. When that work is done I'll be planting hostas, ferns and astilbe in the flowerbed under the living room windows, and the weeping cherry blossom trees will be planted at the yard's edge, near the sidewalk. In late March your grandfather on your father's side will be coming to stay for a bit, and we'll work on the side yard together. The gravel that was put in by the previous owners is black with sharp edges--pretty enough, but it's not safe for you--and we'll replace it with pavers, thus extending the patio area into a space that will be cool and shady on warm summer afternoons.

Sleeping is becoming more of a challenge, which isn't unexpected. It's a struggle to sleep on my side. I'm constantly waking up on my back with tingly nerve feelings in my legs. I am grateful for the tempurpedic bed, because otherwise I'd be sore and sleepless most of the time.

I'm trying not to obsess too much about the world you're being born into, and I'm trying not to let the sadness, anger, and despair I sometimes feel stick around for too long. I know that the biochemical soup you're swimming in can be affected by my stress, and thus affects you.

The world is in a sorry state, though. Carbon dioxide emissions have jumped tremendously, beyond the worst-case scenarios of many scientists. The oceans are acidifying because of carbon dioxide build-up, and the glaciers and polar ice are melting far more rapidly than predicted. When the rest of the world appears to be in agreement that we all need to limit CO2 emissions and wean off oil, the US, dominated as it is by oil-company-interests and lobbyists, seems determined to believe that we're the smart ones and the rest of the world has been suckered by a hoax (roll eyes). Here in the States we've picked up the pace of natural gas extraction using techniques called "fracking", techniques that pump millions of gallons of water and chemicals into the ground to liberate the gas. The problem is, it's polluting ground-water, and drinking water is already in short supply world-wide. How terribly short-sighted of us.

Southern Europe is in a financial crises, and seeing as Italy accounts for nearly 20% of the GDP for the EU, it cannot be allowed to fail. However, the corrupt politicians and even more corrupt mafia are making people extremely reluctant to co-operate with austerity measures. Greece is on fire, literally. The people of Greece are protesting the way the world banks and the European Union are handling that nation's debt crisis -- a problem created with the help of Goldman Sachs, who helped Greece's politicians conceal it's debts so it could get into the EU in the first place.

I'm not sure what the Internet is going to look like for you when you're old enough to use it. Powerful lobbies are at work to make it easier to monetize media traffic and invade people's privacy in the name of copyright and IP protection. Between that and the increasing amount of money that corporations are pouring into PACs which influence the political landscape, I half-fear that Neal Stephenson's novel Snow Crash will be far more prophetic than any of us will like. Will you come into adulthood living in a corporate enclave in a corporate town policed by corporate security in an America in which the line between the haves and have-nots is sharply delineated?  Or will you grow up in Canada, your father's homeland, because we had to flee the insanity here in the US?  I don't know, but more and more it is looking like it may be a necessary option.

Everywhere in the world there is ideological oppression of one sort or another. Right now in the US women's rights are being targeted by politicians on the Right, hoping somehow to invigorate their conservative Christian base to get out and vote in November. The Republicans are having their primaries and caucuses right now, and it looks like less than 5% of eligible voters are actually showing up at the polls. I think all the negative super-PAC ads and attacks are alienating all voters, regardless of party. And I'm not sure this is accidental. It is in corporate interests to keep voter participation to a minimum. It is easier to control for a smaller electorate than a large, active one. It costs them less money to buy votes and politicians that way, and they've a much better chance of making sure things go their way.

Currently we're embroiled in a health care debate over whether or not employers should be required to provide health insurance that covers prescription contraceptives. The argument is it violates the freedom of religion in this country. The irony is that the Founding Fathers weren't concerned with preserving religious freedom from government interference. They were concerned about keeping religion OUT of government. Most of them were Deists, and most of them were appalled by the control that the various religious sects exerted over their congregations, cities, counties, and even states.  The Christians of a couple of hundred years ago were not shy about running people out of town if they weren't of the same denomination, and weren't shy about trying to expand theocracy, which the Founding Fathers considered antithetical to their Enlightenment-Period beliefs and values. But most Americans are woefully ignorant of what happened yesterday, never mind what happened 200 or 300 years ago. Most are sheeple who are willing to believe what someone else spoon-feeds them, as long as it is dressed up to suit their ideological bent. It's sad, and discouraging, and frankly, disgusting.

But for all that, I am hopeful. I'm looking for ways to make the world a better place for you.  I'm working on developing community in our neighborhood. I'm planting fruits and vegetables on our property and helping in Rachel's community garden. I'm looking at ways to develop and expand the Green Economy. I envision a world in which people live in harmony with the planet. A world in which every person lives a sustainable lifestyle and every company does business in a sustainable way. I believe it is possible for humanity to leap toward a new level of consciousness that unites, rather than divides us. If I didn't think it was possible to turn the tide of the world toward such things, I could not bring you into it. I hope when the time comes that you're self-aware and world-aware that you won't hate the older generations for what we've done, and what we've failed to do. I hope, I really hope, to make this a better world for you.


Love,
Mom

Controlling Food Cravings & Using Artificial Sweeteners

A friend read my Weight management during pregnancy post and commented that "everybody could use advice on how to curb cravings. What do you mean by "redirect and relent?" This is a good question and as I was writing my response to him I realized that it would make a good blog topic, especially for women who are pregnant.

The content in my previous post that prompted his query was:

I've also got the weight-maintenance tools I've picked up the past few years. I've learned how to handle cravings, for example. I know when to re-direct and when to relent. I know when to stop indulging (most of the time) and I know when to get rid of something tasty because I can't resist the temptation to keep indulging.

Redirect: This strategy starts with a question: Am I really hungry, or am I bored/nervous/upset?  If the answer is yes, I really am hungry, then I try to redirect focus from the death-by-chocolate cake I am craving to a protein or granola bar or a piece of fresh fruit--ie, to something healthier that tastes good, too. If the answer is no, I'm not hungry, I'm bored/anxious/whatever, then I redirect to an activity that gets my mind and/or body off the comfort-food focus. Depending on the craving and the reason, I may meditate to calm myself, or take a 5-minute yoga break, or go for a walk, do some weeding/chores, take a bath, masturbate, or take a time-out to touch base with what is really going on inside me (ie administer some emotional first aid).

Relent: Relent, for me, comes after multiple attempts to redirect. If I've eaten my healthy mandarin and I've done my chores and I've finished writing an email or whatever other tasks I've put to myself to in order to get my mind off the craving and I still want that cake (especially if I've craved it for a few days), I'll go buy a single-serving cupcake or something, both as acceptance of the craving, and as reward for the work I've done to earn it. If I absolutely have to have a slice of that $20 death-by-chocolate cake and they don't sell it by the slice, I'll buy it at the bakery, ask them to slice me a piece, and then give the rest away to the people working there, or as samples for their customers. (Yes, it raises eyebrows, but no one has refused me yet.) Then I relish my $20 piece of cake, eating it slowly, savoring every bite. I don't bring home more than one serving of a craved food anymore. It's too easy to say to myself, "Oh, I'll bring this whole cake home and share it with my family" and then end up eating more than one serving because I don't want it to go to waste or because it is just that good.

I suppose I should have the self-discipline to be able to eat just one serving of something I crave and leave the rest alone for others or for another time, but I don't. And I am self-aware enough to accept that. I'm also self-loving enough to get over the whole self-sabotage / self-punishing thing for my supposed lack of will-power, no longer hating myself even as I am rewarding myself with a tasty treat. Today, I allow myself to eat that thing I really want, but just one small serving. And I give away or toss away the rest. I may feel a little foolish for eating what amounts to a $20 slice of cake -but- I figure that it's $18 worth of extra calories I'm not adding to my waistline, and given the work I have to do to take off just one pound, it's f-ing worth it.

So--this is how I've learned to deal with food cravings over the years, and how I'm managing not to gain weight during my pregnancy. I practice self-awareness and self-acceptance, a bit of self-discipline, and a lot of self-love. I'm as flawed, outrageous, and complex as the next person, and what works for me may not work for others. Still, it's worth sharing if even just one person benefits from it.

Artificial Sweeteners, and why you might want to reconsider using them:

I do not use diet products with artificial sweeteners, even natural substitutes like stevia, for three reasons.

One, when we taste something sweet, our bodies begin to produce insulin, the hormone that helps the body to absorb sugars (glucose) and fats. When the anticipated glucose does not appear, the insulin continues to cycle through our bloodstream, stimulating the synthesis of fats and glycogen. This causes the body to stockpile fats and can also cause low blood sugar (hypoglycemia) because the insulin is acting on the sources of sugar that were pre-existing in the blood, rather than on new sugars entering via the digestive system. Excess insulin can also cause insulin resistance (pre-cursor to Type 2 Diabetes) and metabolic syndrome. It also appears to be tied to or may amplify the endocrine disorder PCOS (poly-cystic ovary syndrome),  because whatever insulin doesn't dock with your cells is cleared out of your system by your liver and kidneys, and when scavenged by the liver, may be re-synthesized into the excess androgens, testosterone, and estrogen characteristic of PCOS.

Two, as artificially-synthesized sweeteners are metabolized by the body, they produce by-products that can negatively impact your health. We know, for example, that saccharine can cause cancer, but most people do not know that aspartame (NutraSweet) is broken down into amino acids, methanol, formaldehyde, and formic acid, all of which can be harmful to people depending on the amount ingested and their individual sensitivities to them. Aspartame aggravates phenylketonuria, is thought to aggravate mood disorders due to possible effects on neurotransmitters, and produces side effects like headaches. Read the Aspartame Controversy for more information, and read up on the next-generation of aspartame, called Neotame here. Sucralose (Splenda) while perhaps less alarming and more natural seeming with its "made from sugar" advertising, is still potentially harmful. It is basically chlorinated sugar, and chlorine isn't good for you (think bleach). Sucralose has been shown to reduce pH in the bowels and thus the beneficial bacteria existing there, and impact levels of P-glycoprotein which is an important transporter protein for ATP and other compounds used by the brain, adrenal glands, and intestines.

Three, using artificial sweeteners as a tool for weight-reduction is an epic failure. They do exactly the opposite of what we're told to expect. There are many, many studies out there which demonstrate that people who use sugar substitutes actually gain more weight than people who stick with sugar. Why? There are several schools of thought on this. The most plausible is that because artificial sweeteners are sweeter than sugar, people routinely ingesting the uber-sweetness become used to it, so that when they do eat sugar-sweetened things, they eat more sugary stuff to satisfy that sweetness-craving. Another likely possibility is that sweet-taste-to-insulin-production link I mentioned above. More insulin in the body equals more fat uptake and more sugar uptake. An increase in sugar uptake results in low-blood sugar, which means people eat more sugar or sugar substitute to get rid of that shaky feeling. Which leads to yet another reason why artificial sweeteners lead to weight gain: because the body needs sugar and if it doesn't get it, it keeps prompting us to eat until it gets what it needs. And finally, sweeteners, like salt and MSG, are flavor-enhancers that stimulate people's food-enjoyment and this encourages them to eat more. So basically, however you look at it, people are eating excess calories because they are trying to reduce excess calories through low-calorie sugar-substitutes. It works on livestock. Lots of artificial sweeteners are being added to cattle-feed because they are known to fatten the animals up (The link goes to a .pdf article from 2000 by a German company). Really. It sounds pretty bizarre, but it also makes sense, doesn't it?

I've made the above information as un-wonky as I possibly can. I'm fortunate to have a background in biochemistry and genetics, so I understand the technical-jargon and try to translate it into common-speech.

Weight management during pregnancy

Late in the week I really started to feel pregnant. I can feel the rounded hardness of my uterus, see it protruding a bit (though not past my breasts), and notice that it's starting to affect the way I walk.  I can't stabilize my torso/core using my abdominal muscles the way I normally do, so I'm holding my back and shoulders differently, and trying not to do the side-to-side waddle. At least, not yet.

Oh, and I feel really bloated. When I went in to see the obstetrician Friday I thought for sure she'd tell me I'd gained 10 pounds this month, that is how bloated I feel. But I've actually dropped two pounds. I'm about a 1/2 pound from my weight prior to going to Bali in October, and on target for a zero to 10 lbs net weight gain for my pregnancy.

Some people are really bothered that I'm trying not to gain any weight during this pregnancy, especially my friends and family who are nurses. They're worried I'm letting vanity get in the way of a healthy baby. It's not about vanity though, it's about having a healthy pregnancy. I worked really hard last year to lose weight and I dropped over 40 pounds. I could stand to lose 40 more -- in fact, that was my goal for 2012, before I found out I was pregnant in mid-December. I don't want to regain that weight and then have to lose it all over again, and I know that in my 40's the extra weight (and the extra calories and carbohydrates that cause the extra weight) can cause complications (such as gestational diabetes) that I'm desperate to avoid.

So I'm working with my obstetrician and my perinatologist and a dietician and a medical nutritionist to make sure I'm meeting my nutritional needs. I'm getting growth ultrasounds to make sure the baby is the right size for his age. I'm getting monthly blood and urine tests. I'm doing everything I can to make sure we're having a healthy baby -- I'm even avoiding 'diet' products that contain artificial sweeteners because of the metabolic byproducts. (For more on the subject of artificial sweeteners, see the last half of this Unintentional Mother post.)

I've also got the weight-maintenance tools I've picked up the past few years. I've learned how to handle cravings, for example. I know when to re-direct and when to relent. I know when to stop indulging (most of the time) and I know when to get rid of something tasty because I can't resist the temptation to keep indulging.

I think a lot of women gain 30+ pounds during pregnancy because they aren't in the habit of fighting cravings, and helpless under the hormonal and hunger-pang onslaught, they indulge, and indulge, and indulge. And that's ok. My sisters gained 50+ pounds with their first pregnancies. They lost it all, eventually, but one of them developed toxemia in all three of her pregnancies. They were also 20 years younger than I am now -- and I can't afford to wallow in a pint of ice cream a day, as tempting as that sounds ;)

I fully expect to put on some weight in my last trimester (which begins in a couple of weeks) because that is when the baby starts building subcutaneous fat and putting on his weight. But I'm doing everything I can to keep it under 10 pounds. For both the baby and me.