Monday, February 6, 2012


A lot of people don't seem to get just how weird this whole pregnancy thing is for me.

They think its about being a parent, but that isn't it. I've been assured often over the years that I'd make a good parent, and I always figured that if I felt the urge to raise a child, I'd adopt or foster.  That's not it.

It's the being pregnant part.

As I told a friend of mine, it's like waking up one day to find I have blue eyes, or extra fingers. Or a man discovering he was pregnant, or something like that. It has that "It can't happen" kind of feel to it. The assumption of my infertility withstood two decades of sexual intercourse without issue. It's weird :)

For most women, being told they're infertile affects their mental and emotional schemas.  Some develop an "I'm less than a woman" or "I'm not a whole woman" kind of psychological problem, but not me. I was never particularly interested in making babies, so when I got the news I was thrilled. I felt freed up to be the woman I wanted to be, without that one important thing to worry about.

So now something very foreign to me has happened and I'm pretty weirded-out.  Getting over it, sure, but still going through those "damn this is weird!" moments.

All that said, it's also kind of cool. The baby moving around is pretty neat. Being more mindful of my body and what is happening to it is also pretty cool. The process of letting go of my preconceived notions of how the rest of my life was going to be is also an interesting thing. Beginning to imagine what it is going to be like is an adventure. For most women, babies are something they eventually plan on getting around to, so, consciously or not, they've created that possibility and that psychological schematic much earlier in life than I have. In my case, it's a more conscious process -- and there isn't anything to challenge or disappoint my underlying assumptions. It's more of a "Whoa, I'm pregnant! Time to think about what I want all this to look like" kind of thing than a "I always pictured my nursery like this and my home like that..."

The scariness is slowly fading for me, but it's just starting to sink in for M, I think. He mentioned last night that he's realizing just how much his various relationships are going to change. Fortunately, we're pretty solid in our relationship right now. We've been working extremely well together on the various projects -- we make a good team. Communication is good. And he's doing a good job of reminding me that he's there for me with hugs and touches and squeezes. The latter is most important to me. I was feeling alone in this pregnancy for a while, but we had a long talk and he's reaching out more.

So yeah, this pregnancy thing still feels weird, but I've a feeling I'll get used to it -- just in time for delivery. Heh :)

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